Gross Football Lunch – NFL Week 8, 2023

Recipe of the Week: Cobb Salad

Ingredients:

• Chicken breasts
  • Lemons
  • Olive oil
  • Salt
  • Pepper
• Bacon
• Hard-boiled eggs
• Romaine lettuce
• Grape tomatoes
• Avocado
• Bleu cheese
• Ranch dressing

Method & Analysis:

I need to start this week’s column off with a bit of real talk. The driving concept of Gross Football Lunch, wherein the excess of football culture is celebrated through the construction and consumption of various wads of meat, cheese, and carbs, is a bit. I don’t actually live like this on a regular basis. Or rather, I don’t actually live like this anymore. I certainly used to, however; in my late 20s and early 30s, when my disposable income was plentiful and my responsibilities to myself and others were fewer, I spent every Sunday I possibly could at the local sports bar, pounding beers and crushing sandos. But now, I’m a few weeks away from turning 38, I have two young kids, and – in no small part because of how I spent my Sundays back in the day – I need to take active steps to manage both my cholesterol and my blood sugar.

Therefore, I no longer consume Gross Football Lunches except as an occasional indulgence, a way to celebrate on those rare occasions when the Vikings game is playing on local TV. Beyond that, I do not and cannot live in such a way at this point in my life. On most days, football Sundays included, my lunches are health conscious affairs. This is not a complaint by any stretch; there are more than enough ways to make healthy foods taste good, and to learn more and more of these ways has been one of my life’s continuing delights.

To that end, I have embraced the noble salad. Salads are good! They are a convenient and tasty way of delivering a variety of healthy food to your face-hole. Or at least, they can be. They can also be a convenient and tasty way of delivering all manner of fatty deliciousness to that very same face hole, with just enough things that pass for vegetables included that you can pretend it’s healthy. This is where the Cobb Salad comes in. Look at all that stuff in the picture up there. Does that look healthy to you, in the strictest sense? (If the answer is yes, that’s fine, but allow me to non-judgmentally suggest that you might not be eating enough vegetables at present. It’s fine, it happens to all of us from time to time.)

This recipe can be quickly thrown together if and only if you do a certain amount of cooking in advance, so that’s where I’m going to start; do all of this either the day before or morning of the planned consumption date. First, we must marinate some boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I can already hear the groans from the more gluttonous segments of the readership, but I’m here to tell you that these much-maligned and seemingly bland wads can taste just fine provided you marinate them! Grab a baking dish and dump a bunch of salt and cracked black pepper in the bottom.

Next, juice some lemons into the dish. I use two lemons worth of juice for every three breasts (I find they tend to be sold in packs of three in my parts, for whatever reason). Drizzle some olive oil in there, too, but make sure there’s more lemon juice than oil. Mix all of this together just enough so that the salt and pepper are mixed throughout. Then, drop your chicken in and coat every square millimeter of each and every chicken breast in your newly created marinade. Cover and place in the fridge for 2-4 hours.

While you’re waiting on your chicken, fry up some strips of bacon, and once they’re cooked and cooled off, crumble them up or cut them up into crumbly-looking chunks). Also, you will need to acquire some hard-boiled eggs. Place some eggs in a pot or saucepan, cover them just barely with cold water, and set the water to boil. Once boiling, cover the pot remove from heat and let sit in the pot for 10-12 minutes. Once cooled, peel the eggs and cut them in half lengthwise. (If you’re like me and the thought of boiling and peeling eggs fills you with dread, know that most grocery stores also just sell pre-shelled boiled eggs. You have my blessing to use those, if you prefer).

After the 2-4 hours are up, it’s time to cook the chicken. For this, I’m going to discuss how to reverse-sear our chicken breasts. We are going to bake the chicken first, then brown it on the outside so that we get it covered in tasty browned crust. Preheat your oven to 350° F, and drain any excess marinade from the chicken. Once it’s done preheating, sock your chicken in on whatever oven-safe vessel you have on hand. You may use the marinating vessel provided you dump out all the excess marinade first. Bake for 25-30 minutes, turning every 10 minutes or so, until the center of each breast reads at least 165° F when probed with a thermometer. If you don’t have a thermometer, cut the breast open in the middle and make sure there is absolutely no pink inside, whatsoever.

Once the chicken is fully cooked, pull it out of the oven and drain off any water or chicken juice that cooked out in the oven. Next, get a frying pan out and heat vegetable oil in the pan over medium-high heat. When the oil is hot (check by splashing a drop of water in the oil; if it sizzles, you’re good to go), place the chicken in and let each breast fry undisturbed for 4-5 minutes, until a nice dark brown crust has formed, then flip and fry the other side for another 3-4 minutes. Let them cool somewhat, then slice each breast into strips.

Good news! All of the actual cooking is done; all that’s left is assembly. Start with your romaine lettuce. If it’s pre-sliced and pre-washed, great! If it’s neither of those things, wash the lettuce and cut into strips, discarding the white bottoms. Grab a bunch of grape tomatoes (I recommend using grape tomatoes unless fresh tomatoes are in season, as full size tomatoes taste and feel like wet sand in the off-season) and cut them in half. Cut open the avocado, peel it, remove the pit, and cut the rest into slices or cubes, dealer’s choice. Grab a wedge of Bleu cheese and crumble it up in with your hands.

Time to assemble! The above picture depicts the traditional Cobb salad presentation, whereby the salad’s components are arranged in discrete strips on top of a bed of lettuce. This may seem like a pain, but I recommend serving it this way if you’re making this for more than one person, as it will enable everyone to ensure they get a little bit of everything in their salad bowl. If it’s just you making this for yourself, slop it all together if you prefer, that’s fine.

Grab a serving tray or dish and layer the lettuce on the bottom. Now, place your toppings in strips as shown in the picture above. I can find no cause to believe the exact sequence of topping strip arrangement matters one tiny bit, so do what feels right. Serve the salad into bowls, making sure to get a little bit of every component in the bowl. Finally, set out some ranch dressing, so that you and everyone else present may dress the salad to their liking, and so that whatever leftovers you may end up stuck with don’t get soggy with ranch while they wait to be eaten (or summarily disposed of).

Voila! Cobb salad! See, there’s lettuce and tomato on there, which means it’s healthy. Right?

Week 8 NFL Confidence Pool

Woohoo! What a game!

I am writing this on a beautiful and locally sunny Tuesday morning, and I could not be happier! My beloved Minnesota Vikings, who came into last night’s contest with their season on the brink and their backs all the way up against the wall, and with their best player standing on the sideline in street clothes, and with their home stadium once again conquered by the opposing fanbase, emerged triumphant against the San Francisco 49ers, who came into the contest universally considered to be one of the league’s best. And the Vikings didn’t just win; they looked like a good football team for the first time all season. Kirk Cousins had his first good game of the year, the offensive line was outstanding, and the defense made plays aplenty. Perhaps most spectacularly, rookie wide receiver Jordan Addison, pressed into service as the top receiver, had nothing less than a coming out party against a top defense. Look at this play! Look at it! Good Lordy Lord!

Before kickoff, the very idea of this game filled me with dread. My stomach was tied into knots. It felt like the next morning I would have to restart the fifth grade, and then work a $10/hour shift at my abjectly miserable call center job from a decade ago. My only hope was that San Francisco would put the game out of reach by the third quarter, so that I could be down in bed by 10:30 Eastern. Today I am transformed. I am giddy, I am shaking with delight, I’m legitmately excited for the rest of season – if they beat the shitty Packers on Sunday, and they will reach We Are So Fucking Back levels of being back – and for real, I cannot stop watching that Addison play over and over again. Holy Guacamole!

Nothing can stop me. I am soaring through blue skies, held aloft with purple wings and gold sunlight. I have chugged every last gallon of the Purple Kool-Aid. I am goddamn motherfucking invincible, and I will never know failure again. With that in mind, it’s time to check on my Week 7 picks.

DAMMIT

Just…goddammit. God. Fucking. Dammit. I lost the week’s maximum assignment by going against my own team. I lost 12 more points – the week’s second largest assignment, mind – by trusting the Buffalo Bills, a team I already knew could not be trusted under almost any circumstances, let alone on the road against a division rival. Not only did I pick the Packers, I bumped them up in the points to assign fewer to a winning Jaguars team, and on top of that I’m now forced to question the wisdom of going against the Broncos, whenever possible. Without terrible teams, true mismatches cannot exist, and I can’t be certain the Broncos will remain as terrible as they looked early in the season.

Week 7 wasn’t entirely without silver linings, though. Yes, I had plenty of other misses, but with the exception of the Packers they were pretty well confined to the lower assignments. I can’t say I saw the Ravens’ big day coming, but I at least had the sense not to pick the Lions for entirely vibes-based reasons. The final score didn’t reach the heights I anticipated, but other than that the Eagles won in more or less the exact fashion I had envisioned. Going big on the Browns was risky, and that game did not go down how I thought it would, but it still paid off. For a week in which I barely cleared 0.500 on both points and picks, and whiffed on the top two assignments, this could have been worse.

But it wasn’t good enough by any stretch, and now I have to try and get right with a full 16-game slate largely bereft of mismatches. By this time in the season, I would expect and hope to have a much firmer grip on who is good enough to trust with double-digit assignments, but everything I think I learn each weekend is proven wrong the next. And, quite frankly, there aren’t seven truly great teams in the league this year. I am going to have to give double-digit points to multiple teams that I do not trust one tiny bit, and there’s nothing I can do about it but hedge these assignments to the very best of my demonstrably limited and waning ability. Best get to it, then!

Week 7 Correct Picks: 7/13 (0.538)

Season Total Correct Picks: 78/106 (0.736)

Week 7 Points: 50/91 (0.549)

Season Total Points: 667/860 (0.776)

16 Points: Ravens over Cardinals

15 Points: Lions over Raiders

14 Points: Chiefs over Broncos

13 Points: Eagles over Commanders

12 Points: Dolphins over Patriots

This week’s top tier is really two separate mini-tiers. Up there at the tippy-top you have the only two true mismatches on this week’s schedule. I know I say something to this effect every single week (and I’m likely to continue to do so), but man, it sure feels weird putting an easy 15 on the Lions, but here we are. Below that you have division rivalry games that are still pretty easy picks, even acknowledging the increased potential for chaos in those contests. I needn’t defend this Chiefs pick, so I won’t, but I do want to state, for the record, that I am undaunted putting both the Eagles and Dolphins this high. Yes, Washington took Philly to overtime in their earlier matchup, but that was their last flash of true competence. The Patriots feasted on the Bills festering brain worms, and will return to being completely outmatched. These five games are the only ones I can make any sense of; may the Confidence Pool gods have mercy on me for the many blunders to come.

11 Points: Chargers over Bears

10 Points: Bills over Buccaneers

9 Points: 49ers over Bengals

8 Points: Jaguars over Steelers

7 Points: Seahawks over Browns

Here we have direct evidence that I shouldn’t be giving anyone that faintest hint of guff about festering brain worms. The second I knew for certain I had lost 12 points on the Bills last week, I vowed I was done putting double digits on them for the remainder of the season, and look at this! Look at this! You wanna know what the worst part is? I knocked them down a point because I’m afraid of the Thursday chaos! Look who I gave that extra point to instead! Look at it! 11 on the Chargers!? I’d be better off trying to sell off Beanie Baby NFTs in order to break into crypto. Cripes! And yet, the Bears suck exactly that much. No one gets any plaudits or respect for beating the Raiders.

Again, this tier is easily divisible into two parts. Those two top games are games where the barest whiff of Imitation Mismatch-scented air freshener has enticed me into placing irrational confidence in deeply untrustworthy teams. The other three are games where I’m not sure who’s gonna win, but mostly for good reasons, which is how I usually like to use these assignments. I still trust the 49ers to right the ship, and I expect their pass rush to make a real difference against the still-suspect Bengals’ line, even if Burrow has regained pocket mobility. Meanwhile, I had to remind myself repeatedly that the Jaguars are good now. I’m wary of this because the Mike Tomlin Steelers remain dangerous, even when they suck, but I can’t take them seriously against any team with a good offense. The Browns gave me enough of a scare last week against middling opposition that I’m wouldn’t dare taking them against quality opposition, but I don’t really trust Seattle either.

6 Points: Cowboys over Rams

5 Points: Vikings over Packers

4 Points: Jets over Giants

3 Points: Texans over Panthers

2 Points: Titans over Falcons

1 Point: Colts over Saints

This week doesn’t really have a true Toilet Tier; it may be most useful to think of this final grouping as Mistrust Minus. I should probably let go of my notion that the Rams are actually good, and in theory the Cowboys are a good deal better, but the Cowboys can lose to absolutely anyone. They’re still the best team in this grouping though, so they get the most points. As I’ve said again and again about the Jets this year, I can name some things they do well, which no one can say for the Giants. Then there’s the NFC South, a putrid division I am happy to go against whenever possible (including and quite possibly especially the Saints), even if I have to assign low points to do so. This puts me in the dubious position of puffing up the Titans, but the coaching battle of Mike Vrabel versus Arthur Smith is like a fight between a wasp’s nest and a can of gasoline.

Did I forget a game? Nah, I think we’re good.

Oh right! Skol Vikings, we are so fucking back!

Enjoy the games, everyone!