Gross Football Lunch – Week 4, 2024 NFL Season

Recipe of the Week: Fried Egg Sandwich

Method & Analysis:
For years, I regarded the humble fried egg sandwich with mystery and fear. Somehow I got it in my head that egg sandwiches were too complex and complicated to be made well at home; after all, how could I possibly expect to cook something so delicious and satisfying be accomplished at home when all I know how to do is boil some noodles and heat up the sauce that comes in a jar? Looking back on my depraved bachelor days invariably results in unearthing some ridiculous lifestyle choices, but few of them were a greater own goal than maintaining a mental block on frying an egg and placing it between slices of bread. Making your own fried egg sandwich is so easy that I worry I’m ripping off my loyal readers by providing instructions for doing so, but I want everyone to learn from my mistakes!

To start, split open your English muffin and sock it in the toaster. It is not imperative that you use an English muffin for your bread, but they are perfectly sized to uphold a single fried egg. The same is true of whatever boring sandwich slices you have at hand, or course, but English muffins are more fun and also pretty cheap, making them a great way to treat yourself. As soon as your muffin is toasting, grab your handy dandy frying pan, set it over medium high heat, then drizzle whatever oil you have lying around into the pan. You may melt butter instead, if you wish.

Once your oil is hot – you will know it is hot because it has become thinner and spreads easily across the surface of your pan just from tipping the pan itself – crack an egg open on the counter and dump it directly in the pan. The egg will sizzle immediately and the egg white will immediately go from clear to uh, white; use this time to sprinkle salt and pepper over the surface of the egg. You know have about 20 seconds to slice up some cheese; note that a regular large egg from the grocery store can only accommodate two to three slices of cheese from a standard issue 8 oz. block, or one standard issue deli slice.

Use whatever cheese you wish. Current conventional internet cooking wisdom would have you believe that the only cheese worthy of melting on any sandwich is a cheese that melts easily and attractively, and I can only agree with this to a point. While I wouldn’t use a super-hard cheese like Parmigiano Reggiano for a fried egg sandwich, from a taste perspective it is just fine to use a harder cheese like sharp cheddar or Gruyere. Yes, it won’t melt super nicely in the time allotted, but it will taste just fine, and is anyone really willing to argue that somewhat melted sharp cheddar on a fried egg is not delicious? That’s what I thought. Fussing about the relative meltiness of cheeses on a fried egg sandwich is for influencers and those who have had their brains melted by said. You ain’t frying up this sandwich for your Insta or your TikTok, you’re doing it for your mouth and your stomach. Use whatever cheese you wish!

Anyway, once the egg white has turned fully opaque, it is solid underneath and ready to flip. Flip your egg; do not worry about breaking the yolk, ripping the white, or otherwise mangling your egg. Flipping eggs “correctly” takes experience, and if you don’t have any egg-flipping reps logged, so what!? Don’t let that discourage you from frying your eggs! Rather, let it empower you to fry as many eggs as you want while you hone your skills. Your botched flips will still produce tasty eggs, I assure you. Once your egg is flipped, turn the heat all the way down to low and put your cheese slices on top. If you have a lid to place over your pan, do so; this will help the cheese melt on low heat without completely overcooking the egg. That said, if you don’t have a lid, don’t worry about it.

While your cheese melts and your egg continues cooking, it’s time to finish prepping your English muffin. Take it out of the toaster and set it down on a plate. Spread the inside of both pieces with a thin layer of mayo, then squirt a generous drizzle of sriracha on the mayo and spread it, too. Now check the egg. Here I must inform you that I do not know when to tell you to consider your egg done, as I have no insight into your own fried egg preferences. You could call your egg done pretty much as soon as you flip it, but I personally consider ultra-runny, over easy egg yolks overrated in general and too messy for a sandwich specifically. I usually aim for over medium egg, which has a very slowly running but non-gushing yolk. And, wouldn’t you know, the amount of time it takes to fry an egg to over medium is about the same time it takes for my cheese slices to melt! Fancy that!

Lift your egg and cheese off the pan, place it on the bottom half of the English muffin, place a small handful of spring mix on top, and then top it with the other half of your muffin. Your egg sandwich is ready! Notice how that took about five minutes to put together, tops, and that it didn’t involve any cooking technique more demanding than flipping an egg. Not bad! Chow down, secure in the knowledge that you are wiser and better-equipped for the day ahead than I was when I was in my mid-20s. That’s a low bar to clear, but at least you cleared it! Now dig in!

Week 4 NFL Confidence Pool

Well, what do you want me to say? Week 3 wasn’t just a horrendous performance, it was an indictment of this column and my ability to pick the winners of NFL games. My confidence pool is already ruined for the year, and if you’ve been following my picks, your pool is completely fucked, too. I have nothing smart to say about confidence pools at this time, so I’m not going to. I’m not going to say much in the way of dumb stuff, either. Instead, for (at least) the next few weeks I’m going to use this space to deliver whatever marginally coherent football sermon I have kicking around in my head, starting with…

Your Vikings Questions, Answered

To my shock and delight, the Vikings have defied expectations so far this season. Instead of dwelling in the basement of the NFC North like we all expected, they are 3-0. All 3 wins have been convincing, and 2 of those wins have come against teams we all expected to be good coming into the season. For those of you who aren’t Vikings fans, this is no doubt a strange and confusing development, and you probably have a lot of questions. Please allow me, a humble Vikings sicko who has seen all three of their games so far, to answer these questions to the best of my ability.

• Are the Minnesota Vikings For Real? Yes, insofar as they have won all three of their games, they have won those three games in convincing fashion, and two of those victories have come against teams with legitimate Super Bowl aspirations. All of this suggests that the Vikings are actually good, and their record is not a fluke. That said, it is very difficult to provide an answer accountable to a concrete definition of For Real this early in the season. The Vikings have already beaten their two scariest out-of-division opponents, although they do face the Jets in Week 5 and the Seahawks much later in the season. More importantly, the Packers and Lions both look playoff-bound themselves, making winning the division outright a big ask. They play the Packers this week and the Lions in week 7; after those two games, their real place in the NFC hierarchy will be much clearer.
• What are the Vikings good at? In my humble opinion, the reasons the Vikings have gone from presumed fodder to possible contender are threefold:
  • The defense is outstanding. The Vikings defense has been firing on all cylinders. They are first in defensive DVOA as of this writing, they lead the league in sacks as of this writing (per Pro Football Reference), and have gotten big time contributions from just about every player who has taken a snap. After getting decent defensive play from an untalented roster through sheer schematic genius last season, a few seemingly modest talent upgrades have proven to be all Brian Flores needed to completely ruin the lives of opposing quarterbacks and playcallers with confusion, deception, and well-timed blitzing. Every player who has seen the field has been put in a position to succeed. Free agent arrivals Jonathan Greenard, Andrew Van Ginkle, and Blake Cashman were brought in as modest upgrades; all three have made multiple eye-popping plays. Patrick Jones II, a holdover from the Zimmer/Spielman regime that had yet to make any real on-field impact, is tied for the team lead in sacks with Greenard at 4. Former Chargers and Raiders punchline Jerry Tillery gets regular snaps and has yet to prove a liability. The run defense has also been outstanding, allowing the second fewest yards per game and fourth fewest yards per attempt.
  • The offensive line is better than expected. Tackles Christian Darrisaw and Brian O’Neill were known quantities, but the interior offensive line was a question mark heading into the season. While this interior has not been overwhelming, they have proven adequate. Blake Brandel, another Spielman holdover who was drafted as a tackle, has been a pleasant surprising after switching to left guard. Center Garrett Bradbury has gone from a disappointment to a serviceable starter; the decision to extend him for cheap after the 2022 season seems to have paid off. Right guard Ed Ingram still isn’t very good, but is no longer an obvious liability every snap, and that constitutes a tangible improvement in his play. While this line still has given up a somewhat alarming pressure rate, they are often passing the eye test. Sam Darnold often has time to work through his reads and take the deep shots Kevin O’Connell’s scheme demands, and the running backs often have real holes to work with. Speaking of which…
  • The run game is viable again. Obviously, a lot of this is a function of improved offensive line play, but anyone who wants to argue that running backs don’t matter at all is free to watch Alexander Mattison start for their team for a season, and I like Alexander Mattison. Aaron Jones has been just as good as he was last season and second-year spell back Ty Chandler has made good on his opportunities. After years of futility, the Vikings have been able move the ball on the ground effectively again, and the entire offense has benefitted.
• You didn’t list Sam Darnold as one of your reasons. Why not? While Darnold has played better than anyone expected and has shown he can be a viable starter, I believe the Vikings have won with Darnold, not because of Darnold. While he has done a good job of going through his progressions, throwing with anticipation, and delivering accurate balls to open targets, he is still good for a few terrible, baffling plays per game. Both of his interceptions so far have come on late throws over the middle (an eternal quarterbacking no-no), and he almost fumbled the ball last week after hucking the ball at Aaron Jones’ back while being brought down for a sack. The Vikings haven’t been behind by multiple scores all year, and I can’t believe Darnold can pass that test until I see him do so. That said, he has yet to turn the ball over in a critical situation, and he did well last week against Houston despite frequent pressure. Kevin O’Connell has done a marvelous job of putting Darnold in a position to succeed, so I’m not really all that worried he will turn all the way back into pumpkin. His weapons, of course, are enviable. Justin Jefferson needs no introduction, third WR Jalen Nailor is playing well, and Jordan Addison and TJ Hockenson should be back at some point as well, making Darnold’s life even easier. All of this is to say that a quarterback doing well in a good situation is nothing to sneeze at, but I still consider Darnold’s success a product of his circumstances.
• Are there non-QB related reasons to be skeptical of the Vikings? Yes. Again, while they have depth in the front seven and Brian Flores is a miracle worker, the defense is a couple of cornerback injuries away from an unfixable catastrophe. I do not want to see the offensive line’s depth tested for any length of time, either. And, while still have questions about just how good Sam Darnold actually is, I definitely don’t want to see Nick Mullens or Brett Rypien play for any length of time. Outside of injuries, two of the Vikings biggest potential threats to the NFC are in their division. It is unrealistic to expect a division sweep, and any losses to the Packers and/or Lions are sure to have real playoff tiebreaker consequences.

To sum up, the Vikings have a great defense and an adequate offense, but the season is long, the margin of error is perilously thin, and there’s real way of knowing what players may get injured down the stretch. For now, however, I am content to see them playing well, and I am delighted that they’re not just winning, but winning convincingly. It’s been fun so far, and that’s all I can ask. To the picks!

In case you needed more evidence that my season is in a tailspin, look no further than this sorry batch of assignments. I am forced to put the Texans, Chiefs, and Bills at the very tippy-top of this week’s picks simply because they are the only three teams remaining in the entire league that I have any faith in, whatsoever. The Texans get the most points of these three by virtue of having the biggest mismatch, division rivalry be damned. Even though I watched the Vikings kick their ass last week, I think the Texans have plenty of things going for them. Their pass rush looked very good, and even though C.J. Stroud had a bad day, the offense had a lot of plays that almost worked, if that makes any sense. My point is the Texans are still a good team and your confidence in them shouldn’t waver. While I missed this Monday’s massacre, my understanding is the Jaguars didn’t look like they even practiced, and I would never even consider picking them outright, so why not give the Texans 16? What’s the worst that can happen? Even if this misses, I go from Screwed to More Screwed. There are worse things.

The Chargers betrayed me last week and might not be able to start Justin Herbert, so picking them is also a non-starter. That kind of clarity means I’m once again giving the Chiefs big points, even though they’ve barely squeaked out all of their three wins. Really, I should give the Bills the 15 spot; they’re the best team in football right now, and the Ravens are killing themselves with penalties and lapses in coverage. That said, the Ravens are also playing at home with their backs against the wall, which is enough to introduce enough doubt to make 15 points feel like (at least) one too many. I have yet to see much of the Steelers this year but I’m told they look legitimate, and the chaos inherent to Anthony Richardson plays to their strengths. I had the 49ers penciled in at 16 before thinking better of it. They are injured, they’re fresh off of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against the Rams, and yet, they are still the fifth-most trustworthy team this week. It’s getting really grim out here, folks.

I don’t have too much to say about these games, but honor compels me to remind you all that I am picking the Vikings out of loyalty, and this game could go either way. I can’t tell if the Packers’ defense is legit or if they merely feasted on Anthony Richardson and Will Levis, and I don’t know if Jordan Love will play or not. Even if Love stays on the sideline, I’m sufficiently afraid of this game that I can’t go higher than 9. I keep having horrible visions of the Vikings’ elite defense getting embarrassed on the ground. That’s not the most rational analysis you’ll find on this game, but if you wanted rational analysis you wouldn’t be here, would you? At least the Bears still suck.

The Seahawks are the other undefeated NFC team with a surprisingly great defense, but let’s face it, the Patriots and Dolphins have terrible offensive lines, and I don’t think the Broncos are any great shakes in the trenches either. The Lions’ line might not be living up to their billing so far this year, but they’re still far and away the best line Seattle has seen all year. Also, I want to highlight this Cardinals/Commanders game. It looks legitimately fun! I expect lots of points but I also expect the Cardinals to be able to control the clock with running from time to time, and they might even get a stop here and there to boot. In any event, this is the best game in the late afternoon slot, by far.

I despise each and every one of these teams, and I resent the fact that the dictates of the confidence pool format require that I publicly declare four of these teams the likely winners of their respective contests. None of these schmucks deserve anything.

That said, did you catch the Falcons last Sunday night? Did you see how Kirk Cousins made every non-play action pass look impossibly difficult, and that he often seemed to operate with negative pocket awareness? I told you that’s who he is for six fucking years. The Saints just lost to a still crappy Eagles team, but I am giving them the benefit doubt this week because overreacting killed me last week, the Falcons are mediocre, and really, why wouldn’t I? What’s losing four more points now? The Bengals’ defense found a way to sink below their abysmal preseason expectations, but the Panthers need to prove that their win last week wasn’t a dead cat bounce. I will never pick the Dolphins again this season for any reason, and I damn sure won’t pick the Browns either. God, I’m so disgusted with these teams that I’m not even excited for Sunday anymore. Thanks, losers.

Enjoy the games, everybody!