Gross Football Lunch – Week 17, 2025 NFL Season

Alas, it’s already time for me to drop the presents off at the dogsitters and stack the kids in the back of the car and strap the dog into his carseat as we set sail for the rest of the holiday week. This week’s column comes abridged as a result. There’s only time to talk confidence pool, therefore, confidence pool is the only topic. I know it’s been a deeply weird year here at Gross Football Lunch, where the topics of discussion have frequently deviated from lunch, and sometimes haven’t even existed. Thank you for your patience during these weeks of stress, procrastination, chaos, more stress, stress, dread, baked goods, and stress. I will be back for the final week of the regular season, and I may or may not have a topic to go with. Wouldn’t that be something?

NFL Confidence Pool – Week 17

Did you know that the Atlanta Falcons – who, as their name implies, play in Atlanta – used to play in the NFC West prior to the 2002 realignment? They play in Atlanta! The division is called the West! Atlanta is one of the least westerly cities in the entire lower 48! What were they doing back then!? Who thought it was a good idea to assign a team a division that would guarantee a no less than 4 cross-the-entire-goddamn-country trips a season!? Anyway, these last few fraying threads of fading division rivalry animus is the only reason I can come up with for why this game is on in primetime that isn’t fantasy related, and Gross Football Lunch does not recognize that waste of time. And yes, I did lose to a guy who didn’t remember to take Patrick Mahomes out of his lineup last week, why do you ask?

I have no idea who may be starting at quarterback for the Chiefs this week, and I refuse to investigate. I further refuse to use this opportunity to make jokes about who the Chiefs might bring in to start under center that are really jokes about Philip Rivers. I assume all of the best ones have been taken by now, and writing jokes is work. What I will make jokes about is the sorry state of the New York Jets, who may as well trot out whoever is left from the ’68 team, for all the good it will do ’em. You know what really baffles me about the Jets? They brought back a guy who used to play for the Jets to coach the Jets. That’s entirely too much Jets! What about the New York Jets most recent series of predicaments convinced Woody that what the situation called for is more Jets!?!?

Seeing as I live in North Carolina and all, I should really have some insight into the Panthers’ whole deal, but alas, it’s become far too easy for me to watch the game of my choosing instead of whichever game the local broadcast affiliates deem fit for consumption. They can run the ball sort of well, apparently? Bryce Young still mostly sucks but is – for lack of a better term – clutch on 4th downs and against blitzes? They might have an acceptable defense? These are all questions for which I have no answers, because I have heard nothing to suggest they can beat a team of Seattle’s caliber, and there’s only so much space available in my head for this dumb sport.

Unfortunately, I must temporarily rescind my long-standing policy of never assigning the Steelers double digits. As terrible an idea as it so often is to do so, the Browns are pathetic and the remaining teams in playoff position all have tougher matchups. I will simply have to grin and bear it as I hear news of an improbable 9-8 Browns victory, and no, you absolutely do not want to know how they got to 9 points. It’s not how you think!

Congratulations to the Chicago Bears for beating your long-standing tormentors in the game of the year, at home, in front of your rabid fans. Your reward is a likely first round playoff loss at home in which you are likely to get repeatedly swirlied in the disgusting, partially frozen Soldier Field dirt at the hands of a superior NFC West-based outfit. However, should you beat the indestructibly ornery 49ers this weekend – who just so happen to be a possible if not vaguely likely first round opponent – then I may be able to consider a scenario in which you will get repeatedly swirlied in the disgusting, partially frozen Soldier Field dirt in the Divisional round. Hooray for progress!

Do not let last Sunday’s narrow escape in the trappiest trap game that ever trapped fool you; the Texans are going to be OK. Bad games against desperate opposition are the very stuff that Any Given Sunday is made of. It is hard to imagine a better opponent for them than a team that does not have any healthy tackles remaining, and I am legitimately afraid for Justin Herbert’s safety. The last game in this group is the Vibes Toilet Bowl, as two playoff-bound teams with bitter, broken fan bases meet to determine which group of inanimate object abusers gets to enter the postseason exhibiting the greatest amount of performative misery. The Bills can’t stop the run but the Eagles can’t run effectively, so I can’t wait to refresh my timeline in search of the newest innovations in sports fan self-flagellation technology.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but J.J. McCarthy is hurt again. While he may be able to play on Thursday, the linked article here suggests that it would be foolish to send McCarthy back out for the last two games of a lost season. I think that’s rubbish. Getting shut down for the remainder of a lost season is for good quarterbacks. McCarthy needs further evaluation if ever a quarterback needed such a thing, and really, he should be grateful for the chance to pad his resume before he spends an entire training camp trying hold off Mac Jones or whoever the fuck.

Hell, if his hand is that badly hurt, maybe Kevin O’Connell can install the Wing T for the last weeks. It would behoove him to do so anyway if Max Brosmer is starting, because I’ll be damned if that dude should attempt any forward pass you wouldn’t have tried 100 years ago. Anyway, any suspicions you may be harboring that I’ve picked the Vikings out of pure, laughing-at-a-kid-who-just-fell-down disrespect for Lions are completely accurate. I picked the Dolphins over the Bucs according to the same principle.

Enjoy the games, everyone!