"Yes, I did announce that last week's column was to be the last Gross Football Lunch of the season, but I come to you today not to provide an actual column; rather, some quick bits of housekeeping are in order[.]"
"If the Chiefs can't move the ball slowly, they will be forced to move the ball quickly, and even with their question marks at receiver and tackle, you cannot possibly want the Chiefs to have to move the ball quickly!"
"If you must continue your protestation that this is a salad and all salads necessarily suck, please take your Ron Swanson cosplay over to the kids' table. We grownups are enjoying ourselves too much to suffer your complaints. Also, I just heard the microwave beeping; your tendies are ready."
"Roast chicken: the perfect meal to keep you going when you're brawling with wave after wave of colorfully dressed street toughs"
"Welcome to the 2023-34 NFL Playoffs MegaColumn! There's no Recipe of the Week this week in order to make room for talkin' FOOBAW! There's both the excitement of the football to come and the polite boredom and vague sadness of reflecting on the regular season at it's conclusion[.]"
"This week's recipe is not for an actual Reuben, rather, it is for a variant on the Reuben that I developed over time, and mostly by accident... It isn't quite the same combination of flavors, but it scratches a similar itch and like the original it's at its best when the fillings are equally proportioned."
" All of these picks are purely vibes-based, and you must understand that if you adhere to them for your own confidence pool purposes, you do so entirely at your own risk. I cannot be held responsible if you were dumb enough to get your takes from a guy who didn't even get a chance to halfway listen to a podcast."
" I am offering an alternative recipe, one which will help you stay regular, keep you awake when someone at your gathering inevitably throws on The Polar Express for fundamentally unknowable reasons, and get you mad enough to scream “GODDAMMIT MAKE THE FUCKING TACKLE” at the TV at antisocial volumes while remaining fully sober in the eyes of the law."
"Make no mistake, I will be giving you my picks as always, and as always, these picks constitute a good-faith effort to provide a pool sheet I believe will be successful. But as I'm sure you can understand, not even coming close to clearing 0.500 on the previous week in either picks or points has precipitated a rather nasty flare-up of my already robust impostor syndrome."
"I want to spread the good news far and wide: making cutlets is not actually difficult. I'm not asking you to make Hollandaise sauce from scratch or anything; there are no scary techniques to fear. But that being said, making cutlets is work, and it's messy work, at that...But even so, this work isn't all that onerous, and once you're done, you'll have a pile of delicious cutlets to chow down on. What fun! We should all be so lucky!"
Rob Writes About Whatever 