NFL Power Rankings, Week 11

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

Why in the blue hell did a do a Power Rankings list last week?

I have no idea what I’m even talking about in doing this list. Maybe, if this had been a few years ago, when I still made it a point to try and watch most of the games that are at least airing locally, this would have made some sort of sense as an undertaking. As it stands, I watched about a full quarter’s worth of football games this weekend, and frankly I couldn’t be happier with my decision making. It was hella nice out yesterday.

What’s worse is now that I did a list of Power Rankings last week, I am now obligated to continue doing so for the remainder of the regular season, in accordance with paragraph C, subsection 48 of the International Amateur Sports Blog Standards, as ratified at the Palm Springs International Amateur Sports Blogger Convention , August 17th-19^th, 2007. I drank way too much that weekend.

Anyway, these are uhm, totally valid, cogent, and intensively thought-out NFL Power Rankings for week 11. As with last week, I will only do a write-up for each specific team if I feel like it.

1. Lovely Fall Mornings

2. New Orleans Saints

3. Los Angeles Rams

4. Kansas City Chiefs

5. New England Patriots – My understanding is that Tom Brady really, finally, truly looked like the old man he is against the Titans, which could not be verified at press time.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers – While we’re on the subject of teams that can eat a bag of shit, I present to you the Steelers. The quarterback is a rapist and the team’s union rep threw Le’Veon Bell under the bus for holding out. The fucking union rep! Maybe get a new union rep, guys. I know this happened several weeks ago now, but I’m still not over it.

7. Los Angeles Chargers

8. Carolina Panthers – I am nothing if not dedicated to the cause of not overreacting to games I didn’t watch a second of.

9. Chicago Bears

10. Minnesota Vikings – Fuck high expectations. I don’t know how I managed it, but, as always, during this past offseason I talked myself into this loser fucking team yet again and had the misfortune of being abetted in this by the punditry at large. Kirk Cousins is gonna take the team to the next level, they said. The defense is stacked, they said. Mike Zimmer is a good coach, they said. And what happens? Kirk Cousins is still himself (big numbers combined with horrible turnovers at the worst times), the defense stopped doing any one thing particularly well and frequently looks lost, and Mike Zimmer has managed games with all the aptitude and strategic acumen of a toilet brush. Why do I do this to myself? I got married this past summer, and on the weekend of the wedding, people brought up the Vikings in two separate speeches, which I cannot help but feel must have been intended as an intervention of some kind. Anyway, come this time next week the Vikings will have lost to the Bears, thus mostly knocking themselves out of contention for the division and freeing me from six additional weeks of psychological torment. Can’t fucking wait.

11. Houston Texans

12. Washington Redskins – Still hate myself for typing that name. Also they suck, but you can’t argue with a two-game lead in the division so here we are.

13. Philadelphia Eagles – “Shit, we need a touchdown in like, 4 seconds what do we do?” “Throw it down the middle of the field to the tight end, who’s 3ish yards away from the end zone.” “Splendid.”

14. Green Bay Packers

15. Cincinnati Bengals

16. Tennessee Titans – Dear Titans, Thank you very much. Sincerely, Everybody.

17. Indianapolis Colts – See? See! They’re doing it! They’re fucking doing it. 2018 AFC South Champions baby, you heard it here first! (Or like, tenth. Shush!)

18. Baltimore Ravens – I guess they’re gonna be starting Lamar Jackson soon? That’s cool, Lamar Jackson is cool.

19. Seattle Seahawks

20. Atlanta Falcons – Just when it looked like they were turning things around, too.

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

22. Miami Dolphins

23. Dallas Cowboys – Jason Garrett isn’t getting fired, guys. He’s the perfect patsy for a useless (but highly profitable) team run by a Scotch-addled narcissist that hasn’t won a damn thing since I was in elementary school. His tenure as coach of the Cowboys shall be eternal and distinguished by nothing.

24. Detroit Lions

25. Denver Broncos

26. Cleveland Browns

27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

28. New York Jets – Only this high because holy shit, have you seen the teams that are below these guys? Soon they’ll have a new coach, a new general manager, a 9-7 record, a wild card berth, and a swift playoff exit, and all will be well.

29. San Francisco 49ers – I am writing this at 10 to 4 Central Time on Monday afternoon. I am assuming, in this placement, that the 9ers will win this game. However, I will not watch a single second of the game, nor will I go through the trouble of editing this list after the fact, since no one else is gonna watch this shit either. (Update: It is now Tuesday morning, and this game was on at the place my wife and I got dinner. I also watched the last 5 minutes or so. It was fun as hell! I mean, it wasn’t like Great British Bake-Off level fun, but still. Anyway, I’m still not changing anything.)

30. Buffalo Bills

31. Arizona Cardinals

32. New York Giants – Eli isn’t dead guys, he’s resting.

33. Oakland Raiders – Poor Derek Carr. I saw into his eyes back in 2015, and they were full of hope and possibility. I see into his eyes in 2018 and I see nothing. Neither pain, nor sorrow, nor joy, nothing. If you see him, please give him a hug, he looks like he needs it.