Blogging While Hungover: A Guide

In a show of tremendous responsibility, I spent last night, a Monday, staying up to ungodly hours pounding beers, playing video games, and watching the Vikings suck. Now it is Tuesday, I haven’t written anything since last week, I’m on five and a half hours of sleep, and I haven’t had any coffee yet, because I’m pretty sure that in my current condition, coffee would turn my digestive tract into the Battle of the Somme.

So! That makes today the perfect opportunity to fart out some meta nonsense that only I will find entertaining.

One of the most important skills an aspiring writer needs to develop is the ability to drink too much. Functional alcoholism is a foundational aspect of all creative legacies, both past and present [citation needed], and it behooves young writers (and musicians and actors and visual artists and birthday clowns) everywhere to learn the limits of their tolerance for alcohol, then test those limits repeatedly, on weeknights, for no other reason than its own sake.

Therefore, it is equally critical that the young blogger learn to crank out articles while being too burned out to follow an episode of Sesame Street. I have learned much about this art in my many weeks as a blogger, and I’m here to impart my wisdom on to you:

      1. Write Your Article in List Form – Everyone likes lists! Look at those numbers, they’re so shiny. When you write your articles in list form, you provide your readership with an excuse to skim he entire article and still feel as though they’ve gotten the gist of it. This allows you, as the writer, to gain valuable practice at churning out filler as you stock your supporting paragraphs with incoherent, half-baked garbage.

      2. Procrastinate – Make sure to have your browser open so you can have something else to stare at. Personally, I enjoy killing time by reading all the websites I’d like to work at if I had any talent. Also take the dog out for a walk.

      3. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      4. Oh god this is fucking garbage and I’ll write a real article like, tomorrow or something I don’t know I’m very sorry please don’t leave

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