I. Julia Child Cooks a Hamburger; Rob Loses His Fucking Mind
Please refer to 4:09-6:41 of this video
Getting drunk and watching cooking videos is one of life’s simpler pleasures, and my wife and I threw the above video on late last night as we were in the process of passing out. Julia Child was and is a national treasure, and forgot more about cooking than I’ll ever know, so surely her recipe for making hamburgers is fantastic, and not at all a batshit approximation of proper burger cooking from a person who thinks beef stew and burgers are basically the same thing.
4:09-4:14: I just wanna take this opportunity to point out that the number up in the corner suggests to me that this upload was ripped from a LaserDisc, which is weird and specific in a way I very much appreciate
4:32-4:42: “Season the raw meat before you cook it. There’s an egg…2 tablespoons of sour cream to moisten the meat”
Uhh guys, I’m tarting to have some doubts about this. It’s sorta like she thinks we’re making meatloaf or something. I’ve never ever ever seen or heard of anyone putting egg in a burger before cooking. Never. Not once. Also sour cream is gross, and as long as you’re not using some super lean shit extra moisture isn’t necessary. Do people do this? Are our great burger chefs putting egg in the meat prior to cooking? What’s happening I’m confused
4:43-5:01: More seasonings and shit are added, none of which are Worcestershire Sauce
Listen. Most burgers are bullshit. You order one at the bar while you watch the Vikings lose, or you grill one up yourself, or whatever, and it’s fine and all, it’s beef with stuff on it, and that’s cool and all. But unless there’s Worcestershire sauce mixed into the meat before cooking, that burger is fucking horseshit. You need that shit in there, otherwise you’re just getting fatter for no reason
5:02-5:29: Normal burger things happen
5:30-5:39“I think another tip is you don’t want to mat it down, I try and form it as much as I can with a fork. Then smooth around the sides with your hands”
Uhhh wut
Like, why? What is the comparative advantage to not flattening that shit out like a normal person? Sure it’s a little gross, but so is lots of cooking shit and you’re already touching raw beef to round off the sides for no particular reason already so what is this and what are you trying to accomplish exactly
5:49-5:57 “Just before frying them, just to get a little crust, I’m dredging them lightly with flour”
JESUS FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING
Again, do people do this? Is this some sort of top secret burger hack that all the burger scientists keep tucked away in their back pocket so that their burgers are the best burgers? I mean, I guess there’s nothing wrong about this, but good lord, this is clearly a burger recipe that was reverse engineered by aliens
5:58-6:41: More normal burgers things, except get some cheese on that shit, but also that salsa is clearly a basic pico de gallo, and a burger with some pico on it sounds like a dope idea and one I’m stealing the fuck out of
II. Divisional Round Picks Against the Spread
All lines retrieved from here on 1/11 at 10:26 AM EST, but please, confirm the line with your bookie before setting your money on fire
Colts (-5.5) over Chiefs
Ah, the divisional round! It’s most football people’s favorite weekend of the season, and with good reason. It’s the last weekend where there’s games all day, and everybody who’s playing is pretty good (except for the Cowboys). The best part though, is knowing that at least one team that got a first round bye is getting bounced. As fun as the Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes have been to watch, they are in the most danger of any of the teams playing at home this weekend. Their defense is trash. The possible exception to this is their pass rush, but Indy’s offensive line is miraculously awesome and should be able to stop the pass rush cold. At the very least the Colts cover, and they probably win outright.
Cowboys (-7) over Rams
Man, I really wanted to get on the Rams bandwagon once it was clear the Vikings sucked ass, and for a while there I held on to my reservation. But they really started to look mortal by the end of the season, huh? There is a nonzero chance that Jared Goff is, in fact, fraudulent trash, and I expect him to struggle some against the Cowboys shockingly competent defense. Also, despite the fact that this game is in L.A., there’s gonna be a lot of fuckin’ Cowboys fans there, because there’s a lot of fuckn’ Cowboys fans still, somehow, despite the fact that Jerry Jones is a piece of shit and the Cowboys haven’t won a goddamn thing since I was in elementary school. Anyway, the Rams still win this but they’re not gonna cover.
Patriots (-4) over Chargers
Listen. I am like you in the fact that nothing would give me greater pleasure than to watch the Patriots get fucking wrecked on Sunday. My weird affinity for Philip Rivers has been noted previously in this space. The best thing about the Chargers, though, is that they are not the Patriots. Fuck the Patriots. So while I would love to see the Patriots eat shit this week, it ain’t gonna happen. There’s simply no rational reason to think it’s even much of a possibility.
Eagles (-8) over Saints
Here’s the thing about the playoffs: Every year, two teams that met in the regular season play each other, and every time this happens, everybody sort of figures that the playoff game will have more or less the same result as the regular season game, and then it never does, ever. Philly got their clocks cleaned in the Superdome earlier this year, and New Orleans does look pretty invincible, and while they’re probably gonna win again, it’s gonna be way closer this time, and this line is simply too damn high.
One final tangent: Many of my fellow Vikings fans are still incredibly salty about the loss to the Eagles in the NFC Championship last year. This is understandable. Many of my fellow Vikings fans also completely hate the shit out of the Eagles now, and this is not understandable at all. They lost by 31 points. 31. The better team won. Deal with it. We’re Vikings fans, we should be used to this shit by now. It’s not the Eagles fault the Vikings shit the bed, OK? They’re a fun team with cool, good players and a cool, good coach, and it’s both more pleasurable and more emotionally healthy to move on and be OKk with their existence.
III. Bianca Belair vs. Nikki Cross, NXT 1/9/19: ***1/2
Rob Writes About Whatever 