In recognition of Minnesota’s ouster from the Men’s College Basketball Tournament on Saturday night (Not that I care that much. The appeal of college sports appears to be “The players aren’t as good”, and the NCAA is basically a criminal organization), let us take a moment to pay our respects to the other stuff that has happened before that everyone totally saw coming. In my opinion, expected outcomes are underrated. Yes, yes, unexpected outcomes are a big deal and fun and dramatic, and reopen our immortal souls or whatever to the many possibilities of the infinite. But were it not for expected outcomes, everyone (with the possible exception the most dedicated David Hume fans, and even they would probably have some issues) would lose their entire goddamn minds.

We need expected outcomes! We need expected outcomes for the good of scientific progress, we need expected outcomes to get on with our day to day lives, and sometimes, we need expected outcomes to keep us away from doing too many scratchy lotteries. So, without further preamble, here are 25 Completely Expected Outcomes for us to remember, honor, and cherish, presented in no order:

-The sun coming up most days

-Gravity continuing to function normally most days

-The continued reliability of the laws of thermodynamics

-Stone Cold Steve Austin winning the WWF Championship at Wrestlemania 14

-Stone Cold Steve Austin winning the WWF Championship at Wrestlemania 15

-Bill Clinton winning reelection in the 1996 Presidential Election

-The release of new Star Wars movies after Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm, especially The Last Jedi, which slays

-Getting buzzed as a result of drinking beer

-Getting buzzed as a result of drinking wine

-Getting buzzed as a result of drinking Listerine

-The inevitability of death, particularly as it pertains to Mitch McConnell

-Every time my coffee maker has worked properly

-Any time you eat a sandwich and it is not full of ants

-When the leaves change colors (So pretty…)

-Every time an airplane lands safely

-Feeling kinda good after a nice walk

-When you dry your clothes in the dryer, and the dryer works properly

-When the toilet actually flushes

-Any time you walk on a surface and said surface doesn’t collapse underneath your feet

-Visiting Colorado with the intention of being high for most of it, and then being high for most of it

-Those days when your housebroken dog doesn’t evacuate himself/herself in the house

-Going to a standup show and laughing at least once

-Any time you order food delivery, and the delivery shows up eventually

-When you cook something according to the recipe’s specifications, and the result is edible

-When a blog post promises a list of 25 things, and then that list contains 25 things

End communication

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