What The Fuck Am I Gonna Do With This Lime?

There is a lime in the bowl in which we keep all our non-refrigerated produce. It has been in this bowl in excess of two weeks. It shows no obvious signs of decay, however, I suspect that will change in a couple of days or less if no action is taken. I must find something to do with this lime, and quickly. This constitutes a significant challenge, as if I had use for a lime, I would have employed it for said use at some point in the last couple of weeks. A collection of possible courses of action is listed below:

Use in martinis: I’ve made my peace with olives at this point in my life, and have even been known to enjoy them on occasion. However, my enthusiasm for olives has not reached such levels that I would dare garnish my martinis with them. Rather, I garnish with a lime twist (and just a little spritz of lime juice, but this is a secret and you mustn’t tell anyone). When employed in this way, a single lime can garnish approximately four large martinis. That is too fucking many martinis for a Monday, and I have too much shit to get done this week. This proposal is no good.

Use with a six pack of *******: Gross dude, why would you even suggest that. No good.

Use with a half an avocado: As in, I cut an avocado in half, sprinkle some salt on it, then squeeze the lime juice over top and eat it. This would make a good meal for anyone who is so Type A that it manifests in the form of psychosis. No good.

Use to garnish a plate of nachos: I have the place to myself for the next couple of days. This means the theoretical plate of nachos described here would be consumed by me and me only, and this can only signify severe depression and a general disinterest in living a reasonably long and healthy-ish life. Life is hard, sure, but there’s wrestling, cheese, and pot brownies involved, and that makes it worth it. No good.

Use to play fetch with the dog: … … …I see no flaws, whether potential or actual, with this plan. Is good.

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