The New Parents’ Guide to the 2021 NFL Season – NFC East

So, here’s the thing; this week has been brutal on the child-rearing front. Our poor little guy is crying most of the times he’s awake, and often refuses to go to sleep unless he has had an extensive soothing session. That much is manageable during the day, but when it’s 4 AM and you’ve been up since 3 trying to get the little dude down for the count, and this has been how your nights have gone for the past few days, the total fatigue of it adds up. On top of that, this lack of sleep is coinciding with – and quite possibly fueling – a period of near unshakable self-doubt and symptoms of Imposter Syndrome as a write, particularly when it comes to football. The total result of this was that I put off even starting this preview until yesterday, muddled through a couple of team write-ups, then decided it was all trash and treated it accordingly. Hooray parenting!

But, I committed to bringing you all my Max Points for each team, if nothing else, and I fear that if I delay this column until Friday (or even next week), as I have been seriously contemplating, that I will enter a death spiral of procrastination and simply never this portion of the guide finished, and by extension, I will never get the guide finished at all. The existing three parts would then remain on this blog as a sort of sphinx, a vague and cryptic gesture to a time when I had such creative ambition, I thought I could turn out 5,000 words of season preview per week, while also attempting to wrangle a newborn baby!

Instead, I am choosing to lighten my own load, as a way of getting this portion of the guide out on time without collapsing into a writer’s despair slug. For today’s portion (and possibly future portions, if necessary), I will be providing the Max Points and Projected Finish for each team, but the actual write-ups will only be a few sentences, if that. The good news is that, since this portion is covering the NFC East, a division that gets far too much press under all circumstances, this is an excellent time for me to take a load off. You do not need me to conduct yet another postmortem on the Pedersen-Wentz Eagles, nor do you need me to point out that this year is crucial for Daniel Jones, nor do you need me to tell Dan Snyder to get fucked with a rod of rusty rebar. All of that information has been provided countless times already, and it has been provided by actual, credible sources. You do not need me quasi-educated spewings on those subjects when better information and analysis is a Google search away. New Parents’ Guide For The Win!

Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are going to suck – imagine that you decide the guy you want to turn around your previously dismal defensive performance is fucking Dan Quinn – but since they are the sole team in this division with the services of a trustworthy quarterback, it’s theirs to lose regardless. A 49-45 victory is still a victory, you know? That said, you won’t have to wait until the playoffs start to see their fraudulence demonstrated, because it will be several times over in the regular season.

Max Points: 8

Projected Finish: 1st

New York Giants

Now that Matt Patricia has been banished back to New England and Bill O’Brien died on the way to his home planet or whatever, Joe Judge gets to take the undisputed crown of Most Embarrassing Head Coach Who Used To Be a Patriots Assistant. If you’re the sort of person who bets on First Coach Fired, don’t sleep on Joe Judge. And fuck John Mara.

Max Points: 4

Projected Finish: 4th

Philadelphia Eagles

I don’t know what the success rate is for new head coaches who have a habit of saying ridiculous shit in their first seasons’ press conferences. All I know is that “attacking rest” sounds like a euphemism for passing out and pissing yourself on the city bus.

Max Points: 5

Projected Finish: 3rd

Washington Football Team

Dan Snyder can get fucked in the peehole with a rod of rusty rebar. You heard it here first!

Max Points: 6

Projected Finish: 2nd

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