Gross Football Lunch – NFL Week 4, 2023

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Gross Football Lunch!

Gross Football Lunch is a celebration of the delirious excess that defines the experience of following the NFL throughout the course of the season. Every year, football fans spend five whirlwind months in a state of pure football saturation, because the NFL has built an empire out of casting the widest net possible for their product. Most games are played on Sundays, a day when many people don’t have much else going on; games played on other days typically start after traditional business hours. That much has been true for decades, before the internet was a thing most people even knew about.

But over the course of my lifetime, the internet has gone from mysterious to common to ubiquitous to indispensable, and in the process emptied a tanker of gasoline onto the already raging bonfire of interest in the sport. After an entire Sunday spent watching games, you or I or anyone who cares to can spend all of Monday watching highlight videos, watching game film breakdowns, listening to podcasts, and reading any number of columns and blogs dedicated to recapping the previous day’s events. Would you like recaps of all or most of the games around the league, or would you prefer that they stay focused on your favorite team? It doesn’t matter, because you can get either from just about anywhere. Oh, and then there’s gonna be at least one more game waiting for you that night, too.

On top of that, fantasy football has proliferated to the point where just about everyone who is even aware of the sport’s existence has been roped into a fantasy league or two. Hell, to the best of my knowledge, daily fantasy wasn’t even a thing a decade ago, and now it too is nigh-inescapable. Sunday Ticket and RedZone make it easier to keep track of all of the happenings from around the league; even the most casual fan can know how each team is doing and who their key players are in some detail.

As a result, there is a lot of football to gorge on during the season! Not only do we gorge on football itself, we gorge on actual food while we watch it, too. We tailgate. We crowd into sports bars where the healthiest option on the menu is the deep fried pickles. In both cases, we pound down as many of whatever beers are closest at hand, and maybe a shot or six of some of the stronger stuff, too. Football is a fast, violent game, and the traditional mode of enjoying it is a spectator is while dismantling our bodies at maximum speed.

Because I am nothing if not an enabler, just like your health teachers warned you about all throughout middle school, Gross Football Lunch exists to glorify and revel in this culture of wild over-consumption. Every week for the remainder of both the regular season and the playoffs, I’ll be bringing you both my weekly Confidence Pool picks – the long beating heart of my NFL uh…’coverage’ – as well as the Gross Football Lunch Recipe of the Week, so that, when you sit down for a whole day’s slate of games every Sunday in the comfort and privacy of your own home, you can wreck your internals just as effectively as if you had rolled up to the stadium parking lot six hours early.

And, since there will be times I can’t help myself, I may indulge in a rambling, holistic soapbox diatribe about whatever goings on in the sport interest me at the time. Because if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the internet doesn’t have enough football takes, and somebody’s gotta do something about it!

Enough preamble, let’s go!

Recipe of the Week: Italian Sub

As this is the very first ever Gross Football Lunch Recipe of the Week, I want to give everyone a heads up on the format before I get rolling. Each recipe will be divided into two sections. First, I’ll provide a bulleted list of ingredients, for ease of reference. This list will be all-inclusive but in many cases, it will also be open-ended; instead of listing one specific ingredient, I may give a list of possible ingredients to choose from. This is by design. Most of the recipes are going to be decidedly un-fussy and easy to riff on. Experimenting with recipes is an invaluable cooking skill, and I want to encourage everybody to develop it.

I also think fussy recipes are ultimately a soft form of class warfare, whether they intend to be or not. With a fussy approach, it becomes all too easy to insist the reader use specific, expensive ingredients, it becomes all too easy to assume the reader has specific kitchen tools or even appliances at their disposal, and it becomes all too easy to assume that the reader has an unreasonably large amount of time on their hands. Many of these recipes will be designed to be more or less whipped together in whatever spare time you have before kickoff, using whatever tools and ingredients you have on hand (or can easily acquire). That said, I reserve the right to present more ambitious and time-consuming cooking projects in this space from time to time.

Second, I’ll provide instructions for the recipe, of course! I am committed to giving you clear, easy-to-follow instructions, but again, I also want you to be comfortable with experimenting with and riffing on these recipes. This may require taking extra time to discuss a particular aspect of a recipe in detail. I may dig deep on the ingredients and substitutions, or the pros and cons of various cooking techniques, or any other details that will help you make informed decisions if and when you choose to modify the recipe as you see fit.

This inaugural recipe is about as unfussy and basic as it gets, but there’s a world of small decisions to make, with almost no wrong answers among them. Let’s make an Italian sub!

Pictured: a perfectly balanced Italian sub. Photo by Rob

Ingredients:

• Sub rolls
• Any 2-3 of: salami, pepperoni, capicola, prosciutto, speck, mortadella, soppressata
• Sliced provolone cheese
• Arugula
• Sliced pickled peppers
• Oil
• Vinegar
• Dried oregano

Method:

Allow me to present, in brief, my Unified Theory of Sandwiches. All sandwiches must be properly balanced, but what that balance looks like varies depending on the sandwich itself. Some sandwiches are at their best when the meat (or whatever primary filling) to other stuff ratio is as close to 1:1 as possible (BLTs will always be my go-to example of this). Other sandwiches are at their best when they’re positively stuffed with the main filling but have just enough other stuff going on to round out the flavor profile. A Philly cheese steak is nothing if not an excuse to shove a bunch of beef and cheese in your face, but if you can cram just enough peppers, onions, and mayo in there, that beef and cheese will really sing.

The beautiful genius of the Italian sub is that both of these approaches are equally valid. They are simply goddamn delicious and satisfying either way. However, whichever approach you choose, it is absolutely critical that there be enough acidity in the sub to balance out the amount of meat and cheese. Even the most overstuffed Italian sub can be properly balanced with the right amount of acid. Keep this principle in mind at every stage of assembly!

Now, grab you sub roll and split or cut it open. If you need to cut and aren’t sure where on the roll to do so, pretend it’s a hot dog bun. Once the roll is open, carefully dig your fingers into the bread itself and start slowly pulling the breadiest parts of the roll out, leaving only a small cushion of bread inside of the crust. This will give you more space to work with in the roll, and is an essential step for assembling all but the most Spartan of subs. Work as cautiously and deliberately as possible here; if you do too much unchecked ripping and tearing you may damage the outer layers of the roll, and that’s bad.

Next, grab your two or three meats from the ingredient list and start layering them in your now-excavated roll. I really do not and cannot recommend using more than three meats; if you want your sub to be absolutely stuffed to the gills, it’s better to use more of your three than to add a fourth. Once your meat is in, add your cheese slices. Aim for a 3:1 meat to cheese ratio, but if that ratio is off a bit in either direction, it’ll be ok.

Now it’s time to add acidity. For my money, the tastiest way to add acidity to any Italian sub is with a hefty portion of pickled peppers. I always prefer to use hot cherry peppers, but they may be a bit too intense for some. If you’re not a huge fan of the hot and spicy lifestyle, the much-maligned banana pepper provides a much milder version of the same acidic zing. Peperoncini also work, and sweet cherry peppers also exist. Whichever pepper you choose, arrange a generous layer on top of your cheese, then give everything a sprinkle or two of dried oregano.

Peppers are an important source of acidity, but an Italian sub is next to nothing with oil and vinegar. Red wine vinegar is the canonical choice here, and it is so for a reason. You could use balsamic if you want but I’d caution against it, as balsamic is less acidic and has an inherent sweetness that doesn’t really play nicely with everything else. If red wine vinegar seriously isn’t an option, lemon juice is the best substitute.

If you have your olive oil and vinegar and containers with pour spouts, this part is easy. Plop your arugula (I specified arugula but any type of lettuce works) on top of top of everything else, then drizzle your oil and vinegar on top of the arugula. Use more vinegar than oil! The oil is just here for a hint of extra buttery fat on an already fatty sandwich, so it’s easy to add too much. The vinegar is much tougher to overdo. Even if you soak the bread all the way through with the stuff that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some people are into that.

If you don’t have pour spouts, or you’re a klutz like me who can’t be trusted not to add entirely too much of both dressings, place some oil and good amount of vinegar in a small bowl, then add the arugula to the bowl and give everything a toss. Do NOT attempt to make a vinaigrette, or otherwise mix the two together. Making a stable vinaigrette requires more oil than vinegar, and in this situation that’s the opposite of what you want. Once your arugula is dressed, put it on top of everything else.

Your sub is now fully assembled; fold your roll closed, cut it in half, and enjoy!

Week 4 NFL Confidence Pool

And welcome back to the Confidence Pool picks! The Confidence Pool is a method for picking games that’s more interesting than picking games straight up, but less terrifying than picking against the spread. You pick the team you believe will win each game on the entire week’s slate, then assign a point value to that pick based on your level of confidence in it. The point values range from 1 to however-many-games-are-happening-this-week, with 1 representing your least confident pick, and the top value representing the most confident pick. When you pick a game correctly, you win the point value you assigned to that pick. When you pick incorrectly or the game ends in a tie, you get nothing. Whoever wins the most points wins the pool for the week, and there may be prizes for most points won over the course of the regular season, too.

(This brings up a vital point: Always consult with your own Confidence Pool’s organizer to make sure you fully understand your own pool’s rules and procedures! I am not a Confidence Pool lawyer, and this is not Confidence Pool legal advice. Your pool’s rules and procedures may differ from the ones I am adopting for the purposes of this column, and are in no way binding upon how any pool organizer conducts operations.)

I will be sharing my own Confidence Pool picks and point assignments in every weekly installment of Gross Football Lunch. I will also provide brief write-ups for select games, either because I think the game itself is interesting or because I believe I see a game differently from the rest of the public. Since every week will feature games that fit neither criteria, please note that I will not write about every single game in any week! This column exists for the benefit of people like me who follow football in some detail, but not obsessively.

Before I get into the Week 4 picks, here are some general guidelines for assigning points that I have found useful in my Confidence Pool career. None of these are hard and fast rules, and in fact, I guarantee you that strict adherence to them will fuck you over good multiple times over the course of the season. Please exercise caution! With that in mind, here are the guidelines:

• The best games to place max points on are mismatches. These are games in which an excellent team is playing a terrible one. The Chiefs playing the Bears is a mismatch. The Dolphins playing the Broncos is a mismatch. You get the idea. Put big points on these games and don’t think twice about it, even if the superior team is playing on the road.
• Better teams are always worth more points, while worse teams are always worth fewer points. Every week, you will be tempted to place big points on a mediocre team playing a terrible one when you could put those points on a great team facing quality opposition. For example, say you pick the mediocre Steelers over the not especially good Texans. That same week, you also pick the outstanding Chiefs over the potentially dangerous Jets. Which team gets more points? The answer, of course, is the Chiefs. No matter how bad a bad team is, a mediocre team cannot create a true mismatch, and cannot be trusted with your top points. It is always best to place your top points on a demonstrably awesome team, even if that team has a tough matchup. Games between two bad teams should be assigned as few points as possible.
• Beware Divisional Matchups! There are no true mismatches when it comes to division rivalry games! Division rivals are both familiar with each other and highly motivated to kick each other’s asses. Exercise caution; if you’re tempted to place big points on a divisional game, and you will be from time to time, make sure there isn’t a non-division matchup that’s more worthy of those points.

Home teams are listed in bold. For international games, the designated home team is further noted with an asterisk*. To the picks!

Season Total Correct Picks: 48/48

Season Total Points: 408/408

16 Points: Chiefs over Jets

Yeah, I know I just used the Jets as my example of a potentially dangerous team, but come on. You know better and so do I. You can’t win if you can’t score, and the Jets can’t score. It’s as simple as that.

15 Points: 49ers over Cardinals

The theme of this week’s pool picks is when to go against my general guidelines up above. Here, we have the ideal of example of a divisional matchup that you are free to consider a true mismatch. The Cardinals are showing a lot more fight than anyone expected, but that’s not nearly enough against a team that, unlike the Cowboys, doesn’t seem terribly interested in tripping on its own shoelaces.

14 Points: Bengals over Titans

13 Points: Eagles over Commanders

12 Points: Seahawks over Giants

11 Points: Steelers over Texans

On one hand, 11 points on the Steelers feels pretty rich; they’ve achieved the exact level of mediocrity that should make anyone wary of assigning double-digit points. Their offense refuses to function and, if I heard one complaint from Steelers fans enough times in my Reddit days, it was that under Tomlin, the team has a tendency to look past theoretically lesser opponents. And hey, C.J. Stroud looked pretty damn good in the Texans’ win last week, so that right there is cause for concern. But on the other hand, that doesn’t make picking the Texans even remotely palatable, which in turn means that I should give the Steelers as many points as I can stomach.

10 Points: Dolphins over Bills

9 Points: Browns overRavens

8 Points: Cowboys overPatriots

At what point do I stop giving Bill Belichick residual respect? Make no mistake, that’s absolutely what this relatively low point assignment reflects. This year’s Cowboys are obviously so much better and so much more viably constructed than this year’s Patriots, but after last week’s baffling loss to the Cardinals and another 25+ years of inventing new ways to totally blow it, it’s clear that the Cowboys will beat themselves if you let them. The Patriots are going nowhere, largely because of Belichick, but he remains highly skilled at getting opponents to beat themselves. Is this what it feels like to get old and out of touch? No one should be actively scared of New England anymore, and yet it’s difficult for me to discard two decades’ worth of fear and trembling.

7 Points: Rams over Colts

6 Points: Packers over Lions

5 Points: Chargers over Raiders

4 Points: Saints over Buccaneers

3 Points: Falcons over Jaguars*

2 Points: Panthers overVikings

If you’re new here, you should know that I’m a Vikings fan. You should also know that (perhaps unsurprisingly) I have trouble shutting up about the Vikings, even when they stink, as they most certainly do this year. As a writer, this places me in a state of constant inner conflict. No one wants an NFL column that claims to cover the whole league but is mostly a particular bad team. But coming up with fresh takes every week can be maddening work, and since I’m always paying the most attention to the Vikings, I ‘m always going to have something to say about them.

Therefore, I propose a compromise. I’m going to get a bit into the weeds with the Vikings this week, and then I’ll shush about them until they do something interesting. Deal?

This game is it for the Vikings. If they win this game their season just may be salvageable; if they lose, it’s time to get serious about actually rebuilding. I’m staunchly against tanking, but they could trade out just about anyone except Justin Jefferson, Christian Darrisaw, or Brian O’Neill, and I’d understand. This team isn’t good, nor are they reasonably close to it. They weren’t actually good last year, either, and now their luck has run out. They have some useful guys on both sides of the ball, but they also have holes up and down the field, and they lack depth at each and every position. Both lines are in particularly dire straits, outside of the two offensive tackles.

The Panthers weren’t supposed to be good this year and mostly aren’t, but their defense commands respect, especially up front. I have very real doubts that the Vikings’ interior offensive line will be able to win in the trenches with any regularity. The Panthers’ offense is about as good as you can expect from a rookie quarterback (and/or the remains of Andy Dalton) with no one to throw to and no protection. The Vikings can’t be trusted to exploit either of these shortcomings. I expect a close and mostly unwatchable game, and I fully expect the Vikings to come up short, yet again. Afterwards, I expect to be sad and relieved in more or less equal measure.

1 Point: Broncos over Bears

Enjoy the games, everybody!