Gross Football Lunch – NFL Week 15, 2023

Recipe of the Week: Chicken Caesar Salad

Ingredients:

• Chicken breasts
  • Lemons
  • Olive oil
  • Salt
  • Pepper
• Bread
  • Olive oil
  • Garlic powder
  • Salt
  • Pepper
• Garlic
• Anchovies
• Egg or egg product
• Lemon Juice
• Dijon mustard
• Olive oil
• Vegetable oil
• Salt
• Pepper
• Romaine Lettuce
• Parmesan cheese

Method & Analysis:

New Jersey has re-entered the chat! This week’s recipe is adapted from a Caesar salad recipe my wife acquired all the way back in the aughts when she took a cooking class at the local Kings, which is the fancy pants rich kid grocery store of note in the region. I have made some slight alterations here and there with the goal of making the resulting salad a fair amount punchier, which all good Caesar salads must be. (I’ve also added chicken, just because.) The rich, heavy dressing is flabby and boring without plenty of garlic and lemon to cut everything. Do not be intimidated by the long list of ingredients; even though I will be showing you how to make the entire salad from scratch, this recipe is incredibly simple, dare I say foolproof. However, please note that you will need a food processor. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Please also note that basically every individual component of this recipe should be made in advance, for one reason or another. With that in mind, I’m going to give a quick refresher course on cooking the chicken using the exact same method I taught for making Cobb salad back in Week 8. I’m going to just do a bulleted, step-by-step list; please see the week 8 column if you want or need additional clarification.

• Marinate some boneless, skinless chicken breasts in a mixture of salt, pepper, olive oil, and lemon juice for 1-6 hours.
• After marinating, preheat your oven to 350º F, then bake the chicken for 25-35 minutes, flipping each breast every 10 minutes.
• Once the chicken breasts have reached an internal temperature of 165º F, take them out of the oven. Heat some vegetable oil in a pan over medium-high heat. Once hot, add the chicken and brown on each side; this will take about 4-6 minutes for the first side, and 3-5 minutes on the second.
• Let each breast cool completely, then slice and refrigerate until it’s time to serve.

Got it? Cool beans, now let’s make some croutons.

The key to good croutons is the bread; it must be as stale as humanly possible. In my time making this recipe, I have struggled to achieve this, especially since I live in the south, where any bread products left to dry in the open are subject to infestation by any number of critters, forcing me to adapt the method specified below. I also recommend acquiring an un-sliced loaf or boule from your local bread place, so that you can have maximal control over crouton size, but any bread will do. Cut your bread into cubes; aim for cubes that are roughly a half-inch to an inch in size, but don’t be too fussy about dimensions, and if you prefer larger or smaller croutons, that’s cool, too. Furthermore, note that the drying process will shrink each cube a good deal, so bear that in mind.

Preheat your oven to 200º F, then arrange your bread cubes on a baking sheet in a single layer. They absolutely must be in a single layer; if you cannot get all your cubes onto a single sheet without creating layers, use either multiple sheets or do this in batches. Place the cubes into the preheated oven for 60-90 minutes, until they are absolutely bone-dry and do not have any squish to them. Once all your cubes are dried out, increase your oven temperature to 400º F.

Once they have cooled to room temperature (this will only take a few minutes), dump them into a large mixing bowl, then add several glugs of olive oil, a few sprinkles of garlic powder, a ton of black pepper, and some salt. I regret to inform you that this is one of those times where it is absolutely possible to add too much salt; the entirety of this salad is a celebration of saltiness, but if any individual component is too salty it’s going to throw everything off. Toss everything together and try and get each cube coated in oil, adding more glugs if necessary. If there are some bare spots that’s fine, perhaps even desirable, but you may end up using so much that there’s some pooling at the bottom of the bowl. It’s a bit wasteful, yes, and that’s always a shame, but needs must.

Once the tossing is done, arrange the cubes in a single layer on your baking sheet, working in batches if necessary. Bake undisturbed at 400º F for 10-12 minutes, until the croutons are crisp and golden brown all over. Let cool completely before serving; store in an air-tight container if necessary.

The last thing to make in advance is dressing; this doesn’t absolutely have to be done ahead of time, but the ingredients will benefit from at least an hour to sit in the fridge and come together. Haul out and assemble your food processor, then peel and halve 5-7 cloves of garlic. The original recipe in the Kings cookbook calls for 2 piss-ant cloves of garlic; this is not nearly enough. It is my sacred duty to ensure that when my recipes that call for garlic (which is most of the time), the actual amount of garlic to use is specified. Use 5-7 cloves here, I insist. Place the garlic in the food processor, along with 2-3 anchovy fillets, which are mandatory. Pulse the garlic and anchovies together until they are finely chopped up.

Next, grab a small bowl and fill it with two lemons’ worth of juice, a small dollop of Dijon mustard, and either one egg or an equivalent amount pasteurized egg. If you use a regular egg, note that it’s not actually getting cooked; consume the final product at your own risk! Whisk these together with a fork, until the egg is mostly beaten, then add to the food processor. Blend until it turns into a smooth, watery mixture.

Finally, fill a measuring cup with half a cup of olive oil and half a cup of vegetable oil – you can use just one of either, but all vegetable oil will be a little bland and all olive oil is expensive – and turn the processor back on. While it blends, pour in the oil mix as slowly as possible. Your food processor probably has a small nozzle or other opening somewhere near the top; dump the oil in through there if so (it’s there so you can do exactly this!). Otherwise, do your best to pour the oil in slowly. Once all the oil has been added, blend for a few more seconds. Adding the oil in slowly while the processor runs allows air to enter the mixture; which will transform your watery slurry into a thick, creamy salad dressing. Add some salt and a bunch of pepper, give it one last pulse to mix the seasoning in, then put it away in the fridge.

OK! All the advance work is done. As you no doubt agree, there was kind of a lot of it but it was all dead easy. Now comes assembly, which is even easier. Chop and wash some romaine lettuce and dump it in your serving bowl. Next, add as many croutons as you wish, then the sliced chicken, then the dressing and last but not at least, a goodly portion of finely shredded Parmesan cheese. Eyeball the proportions, here; as always, the beauty of cooking something yourself is that you can cater the final product to your own tastes. Toss everything together until it’s all well-distributed, then serve into bowls and enjoy! Delicious, and somehow even less healthy than the Cobb salad. Nothing you’d call a vegetable was anywhere near this thing at any point. But it has green in it, so it’s healthy, right?

Week 15 NFL Confidence Pool

I can’t be certain whether or not my Week 14 performance was my very worst confidence pool weekend of all time. I suppose a responsible, self-respecting blogger would go through their archives in order to ascertain the truth of the matter, but as far as I’m concerned, the truth of the matter is that I’m a frazzled dad and amateur hobbyist who can’t be bothered to do research in the service of getting myself even more bummed out about a terrible week than I already am. For me, it is enough to know that if Week 14 wasn’t the single worst week I ever had, it’s close to it, and as far as my integrity in the eyes of the public goes, I hope it’s enough to admit that while this week was terrible, it was not my first terrible week. And, from the looks of the Week 15 slate, I’m guessing it won’t be my last, either.

Week 15 is a little tough to pick and a lot to tough to assign. Bye Weeks are finally done, which means that there are 16 games to pick and assign this week. Those of you in the audience who are more mathematically inclined do not need me to remind you that this means there are 7 double-digit assignments to fill; I do not think there are 7 good teams remaining in the entire NFL at this time. It is not possible to both fill out a confidence pool for this week and avoid making unfortunate and irresponsible point assignments. You will have to grin and bear it, and hope that your unfortunate and irresponsible point assignments aren’t as unfortunate and irresponsible as everyone else’s.

It is thus with a heavy heart that I must announce that I do not think I can help you fulfill this hope. Make no mistake, I will be giving you my picks as always, and as always, these picks constitute a good-faith effort to provide a pool sheet I believe will be successful. But as I’m sure you can understand, not even coming close to clearing 0.500 on the previous week in either picks or points has precipitated a rather nasty flare-up of my already robust impostor syndrome. My belief in my own ball knowledge – which, frankly, could best be categorized as Couch Dad Plus at the best of times – has suffered and suffered mightily.

So too has my willingness to reach for a bit of insight into every game, no matter how pithy. What can I, a lowly Couch Dad add to the already choked morass of football discourse that sprawls endlessly across the internet? What legitimate insights can I provide in this column that you can’t find expressed more articulately and in greater detail elsewhere? The answer is none, but what I can provide is dismissive contempt for most every team, so that’s what I’ll provide.

Also, the intense rash of quarterback injuries and general offensive malaise that has taken the league by storm this year has laid waste to my established guidelines for making my picks and point assignments. This season has become weirder and weirder with each passing week, and no team can be trusted. Name a team you consider a playoff contender and I will be able to instantly recall exactly who they lost to that made me stop trusting them entirely. The NFC might end up with three sub-.500 playoff teams. It’s grim!

But I said I was gonna give you my picks every week, and this week is no different just because it sucks. To the picks, then!

Week 14 Correct Picks: 6/15 (0.400)

Season Total Correct Picks: 141/208 (0.678)

Week 14 Points: 46/120 (0.383)

Season Total Points: 1,211/1,661 (0.729)

16 Points: Chiefs over Patriots

15 Points: 49ers over Cardinals

14 Points: Ravens over Jaguars

13 Points: Browns over Bears

You know things are bad when I’m giving max points to a team without a single wide receiver who can catch. But what else can I do? I do consider the 49ers the best team in football (real spicy take there, I know), but that’s a division game and the Cardinals are at least trying their best out there. We’ve seen much stupider losses before!

The Ravens should be an easy high assignment against most every team, and I suppose this still is high, but I’m wary of this. There’s two Ravens teams: the team that plays close and maybe wins and maybe doesn’t, and the team that annihilates all opposition with lasers from space. I have no idea which team to expect on a week-to-week basis. Last week they were the former team but still handled business in the end, so I’m choosing optimism until they kick me in the junk again (and hoping that remains figurative).

Speaking of the Ravens, I hate the Browns as much as the next decent human being, but I cannot deny that Joe Flacco dragging the actual fucking Browns to a Super Bowl win is the funniest possible result of this season. Put him in Canton immediately should this come to pass, and fashion his bust out of Legos.

12 Points: Dolphins over Jets

11 Points: Broncos over Lions

10 Points: Rams over Commanders

9 Points: Eagles over Seahawks

8 Points: Bills over Cowboys

Man, fuck the Dolphins. Being able to place as many points I wanted on them against non-playoff teams was my last dependable rule this season, and it too turned to ashes in my mouth. This should have at least 14 on it, but those teal con artists can’t be trusted with that kind of responsibility, even against the Jets. 10 and 11 are almost certainly too much to put on the Rams and Broncos, respectively, but the Commanders are toast and the Lions find themselves in a Get Right Game against the very worst team in the league to face in such a contest. Everyone is crowning the Cowboys this week, which means that they’re gonna lose this week; this rule has been iron-clad all season, but that doesn’t mean I can give the Bills double-digits. I have no justification for picking the Eagles, but if I’m picking them at all a lesser assignment would be disrespectful.

7 Points: Bengals over Vikings

6 Points: Falcons over Panthers

5 Points: Raiders over Chargers

4 Points: Titans over Texans

3 Points: Saints over Giants

2 Points: Buccaneers over Packers

1 Point: Colts over Steelers

The recent history of Vikings’ quarterbacks is compromised and scarcely covered in glory, but Nick Mullens is the worst passer to start for the team since Christian Ponder. Winning with him under center will all but require winning their games 3-0. That wasn’t supposed to happen the once, and it ain’t gonna happen twice. Herbert is done for the year and the Chargers are too. C.J. Stroud hasn’t even made it back to practice yet as of this writing (late Wednesday evening). I need not justify picking against the Panthers, so I won’t. Instead I’ll just mourn the wrecking of Bryce Young, yet again. Poor guy. The Steelers can’t score points, which makes winning difficult.

Finally, many thanks to the Giants for beating the Packers! Alas, you still kind of suck and I can’t possibly bring myself to pick Tommy Cutlets on the road. But you are giving me just enough of an opening to make a completely out of pocket and disrespectful pick against the Packers, and for this I thank you.

Enjoy the games, everyone!