Gross Football Lunch – Week 4, 2025 NFL Season

Recipe of the Week: Reuben

To start, you will need rye bread. It does not matter what kind of rye bread you use, whether it is dark or light or marbled or any other kind of rye bread in between, so long as it is actual rye bread. A classic Reuben made with its traditional ingredients is a perfect sandwich and cannot be improved upon; therefore, it is imperative that you use rye. Take two slices and place them in the toaster, so that they firm and crisp up somewhat. This will ensure that the bread doesn’t get soggy once slathered in Russian dressing. (Credit for this method goes to the great Albert Burneko, who posted his own Reuben recipe on Deadspin in the site’s pre-crisis days. The link is provided for proper citation, however, I advise you not to give zombie nightmare present-day Deadspin your clicks.)

Speaking of Russian dressing, use this toaster time to make your own. Grab a small bowl and mix two parts of mayo and one part ketchup together until they blend together in a somewhat gross but equally enticing pinkish color. Once this is done, dump in as much prepared horseradish as your palette can endure before the experience of it becomes unpleasant. Your dressing should pack plenty of punch, so as to cut through the indulgent fattiness of the rest of the sandwich. If in doubt, add and stir in horseradish a little bit at a time, taste the dressing, then add more if desired.

When the bread is done toasting, it’s already time to start assembly. This means that once again, I must remind you all of my Universal Theory of Sandwiches, which posits that every type of sandwich is at its best when it is properly balanced, but the proper balance of each sandwich varies. Some sandwiches are balanced when the main ingredient is present in equal proportion to the other ingredients, while some sandwiches are balanced when the main ingredient is in greater proportion to the others.

Reubens fall under the former category. You don’t want too much of any one ingredient, although you have some room to sneak a little bit of extra corned beef in there, if you want. That said, you’ll need to hold that thought, as I advise you to assemble this sandwich upside-down. Doing so will make it easier to grill the sandwich with the meat on the bottom to start. Spread a layer of Russian dressing on one slice of bread, then add a layer of sauerkraut on top of the dressing, then add single layer of Swiss cheese on top of that.

Finally, add your corned beef; when you are at the deli counter, please ask the person helping you out for near paper-thin slices. Thick slices of corned beef have their place, but a Reuben is not one of them, as they will throw the balance out of whack and dry the sandwich out. Layer in your corned beef on top of the cheese. Aim for a slightly thicker layer of meat than cheese; as I mentioned above, you can push the meat ratio a bit further if you wish, but any ratio of meat to cheese greater than 2:1 will throw your sandwich out of whack. Once the meat is added, spread another even layer of Russian dressing on your second slice of bread, place it face down on top.

Grab your trusty frying pan and place it over medium heat. While you wait for the pan to heat up, spread a thin layer of mayo on the top of the sandwich. I prefer to use mayo as my fat for any sandwich grilling, as I find it is the easiest fat to spread into a thin, even layer. Once the pan is warm, place the sandwich in it mayo side down, then spread another thin layer of mayo on the top. In about 4 to 6 minutes, the meat and cheese will be sweaty and starting to droop, while the bottom of the sandwich will have crisped up, thus signaling that it is flip time. Grab your trustiest, flattest flipping spatula, slide it under the sandwich, then lift and flip the sandwich in one quick, smooth motion. If you flip with the courage of your convictions, no harm will come to you or your sandwich.

Continue grilling the Reuben on the other side for another 3 to 5 minutes until the cheese gets all melty, then remove from the pan and turn off the heat. Let the sandwich cool slightly, then cut it in half and serve immediately. Congratulations, you have learned the dirty secret of Reubens. Now that you are equipped with this knowledge, may you live the rest of your days free from the scourge of overpaying for disappointments. Dig in!

NFL Confidence Pool – Week 4

There can be no denying that Week 3 messed me up pretty bad. While I’m grateful to have hit on just enough picks to avoid a complete disaster (and even more grateful to remain above 0.700 in the points), I don’t know what lesson – if any – I can take away from the Browns’ upset. What was I supposed to do, exactly? From the perspective of process-based decision making, picking the Browns outright without foreknowledge of the result would have been howling madness, a pick so fundamentally unserious as to insult my loyal readers’ time and intelligence.

There is nothing else to do but dust myself off and try again, so here goes. Fortunately, we are blessed with a surfeit of true mismatches in week 4, and not a moment too soon. There is so very much that could go wrong for the Bills that does not matter in the very least given the absolute state of the Saints, so they get the top spot. Jaxson Dart is going to get annihilated; this one could get ugly quickly. The Browns have my attention and respect solely for their pass rush but the Lions already got caught napping once this season and all it did was make Dan Campbell mad.

I have too much residual respect for Dak Prescott to write the Cowboys off entirely, but if the Bears can hold them to 14 points anybody can. 12 points on the Broncos is probably too many given how terrible Bo Nix has been (which has been a refreshing reminder that projecting improvement is never a great idea), but I got to see the Bengals up close and personal last week, and there is nothing to salvage in Cincy. The entire organization has needed a top-down fumigation for decades, possibly going all the way back to when Paul Brown snubbed Bill Walsh. Long-suffering Bengals fans won’t get that, of course, but perhaps once Burrow comes back he can hit a few really neat dingers before he starts urinating liquefied bits of skeleton.

I’m a bit nervous about having the Rams this high. Yes, they’re 2-1 despite Matthew Stafford’s back issues and the dreadful pass protection in front of him, but they’ve also faced a murderer’s row of defensive lines in the first three games. The Colts have one win against a respectable opponent, and that win involved an improbable penalty to set up a walk-off field goal; note that while the Broncos are respectable as a team, they are not benefiting from respectable quarterback play at this time. Denigrate the quality of Philly’s wins all you want, as the Bucs have won by even narrower margins against lesser opposition.

This week’s toilet tier is absolutely out of control, and since I’m writing this at the last minute while dealing with a mild head cold (that’s the Gross Football Lunch commitment to professionalism in action), I will keep this brief. The Seahawks are officially on Possibly Good Watch after kicking the Saints’ teeth in, and a convincing win will solidify their place among the NFC’s Wild Card contenders. The Bears are not on Possibly Good Watch, but if they beat the Raiders as emphatically as they beat the Cowboys we’re all going to have to start paying attention to them again.

Conversely, the Steelers might be straight-up bad. Fielding a good defense and trying to get just enough out of the offense to sneak into the playoffs is a limited but understandable team-building strategy, but it can’t work if your defense falls off of a sudden cliff. The Vikings are not going to force five turnovers, nor will Isaiah Rodgers go out and win the game himself, but with Christian Darrisaw back from injury they have a key advantage against the unexpectedly soft Pittsburgh front. Expect lots and lots of Jordan Mason touches; Carson Wentz was a serviceable distributor last week, except for the times he decided to put a little Carson Wentz on it. Coaches love it when you take a 10-yard sack on a first down play fake.