Gross Football Lunch – Week 8, 2025 NFL Season

Recipe of the Week: Boy Dinner Salad

Method & Analysis:

My wife was out of town this past weekend, and I was given a stern reminder of how close I am to lapsing into the disgraceful bachelor lifestyle of my 20s. I summoned the industry to provide my two kids with entertainment, stability, and decent meals, but by Saturday night this left me bereft of the energy needed to take care of myself. These are the ideal conditions under which the boy dinner is procured and eaten. When there’s only one (ostensible) grown-up in the house and the kids are in bed, the temptation to order in or otherwise assemble the most shameful of grease piles is at its strongest.

While my addled, indecisive brain made a series of Larry David faces just as it was locking in one sure to be disappointing potential dinner or another, I was hit with a bolt of inspiration. What if I could assemble my own disgusting wad of meat and fat with the leftover chicken tenders I heated up for the kids and whatever else was lying around? Soon thereafter, I found myself assembling and eating the below-described salad. It hit the spot for me in this moment, and it is my sincere hope that it can hit the spot for you the next time you simply can’t be arsed.

To start, it’s time to make some chicken tenders. Grab three bowls, and fill one with flour, one with beaten eggs, and one with…nah, fuck that. Get a bag of frozen tendies from the grocery store. Life’s too short to insist on making one’s own chicken tenders, a foodstuff you can get absolutely anywhere, and which metaphysically cannot vary in quality, regardless of where they’re from. The chicken tenders you lovingly carve, bread, and deep fry individually will turn out exactly the same as the ones that have been sitting under heat lamps for eight days at your local unleaded gasoline and cigarette vendor. That said, it is imperative that you heat up your frozen tendies in your oven (or air fryer, if that’s what you’re into), according to the packing’s directions and setting a timer to ensure you don’t forget about them. The microwave is great for when you’re feeding the things to undiscerning minors, but refined sophisticates like us can appreciate a crispy exterior.

While the chicken heats up, you can assemble the rest of the salad. Grab a large bowl or plate and dump a few fistfuls of spring mix into/onto it. Cut off approximately six to twelve medium-thick cucumber slices, and slice up a bell pepper while you’re at it, making sure to discard the papery inner membranes and seeds. Toss those in the bowl with the lettuce, then grab a block of cheddar cheese. Here you must make not one, but two choices. First, you must choose whether to slice the cheese into cubes or shred it with your most trusted cheese grater.

Next, you must choose how much cheese you want in your salad. Note that for both of these questions, there are no wrong answers. There are only your heart’s desires and you ability to execute according to those visions. This salad can accommodate any amount of cheese, from the lightest dusting to a pile so large it can cause even an Wisconsin native to fear for your mental health and overall safety. Choose according to what you want, and not what society expects of you. Finally, throw in a generous handful of sunflower seeds for some additional salty, hefty crunch.

Add your cheese to the assembled salad, then start making your dressing. Grab a ramekin or other small, high-sided dish and splash in some apple cider vinegar. This is your yearly reminder that Dijon mustard is a cheat code for making homemade salad dressing, as it helps the oil and vinegar emulsify and hang together. Grab a fork or small whisk, then add the mustard if you intend to use it, then start drizzling olive oil into the vinegar, stirring in as fast a circular motion as you can comfortably manage while adding the oil in a steady stream. The vinegar and oil will gradually come together, eventually coalescing into a single substance. Put the dressing down, stir in a pinch of salt and a few cracks of pepper, then set it aside.

Your salad is almost assembled and ready to serve, except for the chicken, which still has to heat up for about 15 minutes. Oops. Waste the remaining time in the manner of your choosing, and once your timer goes off, remove the tendies from your chosen heating vessel and let them cool for as long as you can manage. If nothing else, wait as long as you need to in order to actually touch the tendies with your bare hands, as your next task is to slice them into thin strips and place them in your salad bowl. Check your dressing to make sure it hasn’t separated; if it has, give it a few quick stirs so that it reconstitutes. Pour the dressing over your salad and toss everything around until the dressing disperses evenly.

Congratulations! You have made yourself an actual meal despite having put in as much work as you would have for cooking up a frozen pizza. Consume your pile of fried chicken and cheese vigorously, secure in the knowledge that there are vegetables right next to these things, therefore, the salad is healthy. Dig in!

NFL Confidence Pool – Week 8

Bye: Cardinals, Jaguars, Lions, Raiders, Rams, Seahawks

I’m tired and all of these games suck, and this means two things. One, I’m about to go 5/13 for 15 points for talking shit about the schedule. Two, I have very little to say about these games, and very few non-standard picks to justify. As a matter of fact, the only pick I am honor-bound to mention here is taking the Browns over the white-hot Patriots, as I have an unshakeable gut feeling that this is one of the trappiest trap games that ever trapped. Gut feelings aren’t usually worth more than two points though, and that’s as high as I’m willing to value my intuitions.

Taking the Cowboys might also seem daft, but the Broncos needed one of the most bizarre 15 minutes in the sport’s history to pull off an actual last-second comeback against a mostly hopeless team. Also, I think it’s generally better to pick the lights-out offense helmed by a quarterback playing out of his mind than a lights-out defense supported by a QB who (mostly) can’t throw. Speaking of quarterbacks who can’t throw, the Vikings are starting Carson Wentz tonight, which I can only assume means they intend to punt on any and all second downs.

Longtime readers know that I try to minimize my Vikings anguish in this space (except when specifically quarantined and signposted), but if I have to watch Kevin O’Connell cultivate an incurable case of terminal brain worms in real time in search of the perfect opportunity to deploy his perfect project quarterback who also can’t throw worth a shit, thus dooming me and my fellow Skoldiers to endure a quarterback controversy between Christian Ponder with intangibles and Uncle Rico on an epidural, then I have no problem making that all of y’alls problem, too.

Enjoy the games, everyone!