If you’re like me, you enjoy educated but also arbitrary quantification. Thus, I bring you these NFL Power Rankings, the ideal vessel for presenting the raw experiential data of how good each team appears to be in an easy to read, reductive, and under-considered numeric listing!
First, a few ground rules. Some teams will receive write-ups and others will not, according to my whims. Overall records for each team are considered, but are not the sole arbiter of how teams are ranked. And last, but not least, there will be a quiz on this afterward. You will need to bring a no. 2 pencil and a suitable eraser. For extra credit, provide your guesses as to which teams I haven’t actually watched this year (maximum 3).
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New Orleans Saints – Here I was, figuring the Rams were completely invincible, like a sucker. And hell, maybe they are still a better team than New Orleans, but they lost the inside track to the 1 seed and that sucks for them.
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Los Angeles Rams
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New England Patriots – Thanks for beating the Packers, but also, fucking Patriots.
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Kansas City Chiefs – I want very badly to be able to rank them above the Patriots, but I don’t actually believe they’re going to win their inevitable playoff showdown, because sports are a carnival of torments.
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Carolina Panthers
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Los Angeles Chargers – For some odd reason, I have this idea in my head that Philip Rivers is a ‘cool’ guy, when all available evidence suggests that not only is he not especially cool, he’s (at minimum) kind of a dick. Maybe I’m just impressed by anyone who can pull off wearing bolo ties.
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Pittsburgh Steelers – Please, please, please let there be a way I can keep the Steelers out of the top 10. (Looks at all the other teams) FUCK
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Chicago Bears
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Philadelphia Eagles – Like the rest of everybody else, I’m giving the Eagles the benefit of the doubt in assuming they’ll pull their shit together and go on enough of a run to win their division. 9 wins is probably all it’s gonna take, right?
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Minnesota Vikings
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Cincinnati Bengals – Also like basically everybody else, I believe firmly that even if the Bengals snag a wild card, they will be one and done like always. At least they tried, right?
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Houston Texans – I mean, I personally don’t think the Texans are any good, but they’re probably going to make the playoffs at this point, and that has to count for something. And now, some perspective on how terrible every Belichick assistant has been as a head coach: Bill O’Brien has been the most successful one, and it’s not even close. Jesus.
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Washington Redskins – God I hate that name so much. Fuck them.
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Green Bay Packers
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Seattle Seahawks – They could still make the playoffs I guess. They won’t actually, but still.
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Baltimore Ravens – How many years in a row has it been now where the Ravens start out with a bunch of wins and still fail to reach the playoffs? It’s like three or something, right? I actually thought this would be the year they get back over the hump and into contention, because I am a moron who doesn’t pay attention to things and wouldn’t understand them even if I did.
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Atlanta Falcons
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Indianapolis Colts – Man, it sure would be fun if they could steal their division, which means that it’s not gonna happen.
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Tennessee Titans
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Jacksonville Jaguars – Here we have a team attempting to win on defense in an age where defense is both impossible and meaningless. It’s going about how you would think.
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Miami Dolphins – This is the absolute highest I will place a team starting Brock Osweiler, regardless of circumstance.
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Detroit Lions – 10 sacks is too many. That’s my hot take. Spicy, no?
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Dallas Cowboys
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Denver Broncos
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New York Jets
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Cleveland Browns – Fire everybody, hire someone else, still be the Browns, still totally suck. Sunrise, sunset. I thought there was a chance Baker Mayfield was gonna be the truth, and if he were anywhere else I suppose he still could be, but he’s on the Browns, so…
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Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Fuck Jameis Winston. I’m glad he sucks. I know he’s not starting anymore, but that’s not the point.
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New York Giants
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San Francisco 49ers – A nice feel-good win, which surely has to be tempered by the fact that it was against the Raiders. If only we could all be so lucky as to play the Raiders every week, but alas.
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Buffalo Bills – Have you ever wondered if it’s possible for a coach to get fired at halftime? I shudder to think upon the level of depraved insanity necessary to start Nathan Peterman in multiple games.
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Arizona Cardinals
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Oakland Raiders – Man. Man oh man. Remember when the Raiders, after a decade and a half of unadulterated, Job-esque suffering, won 12 games with a talented offense, an all-world pass rusher, and a legit quarterback of the future? Me neither, and it was only two years ago.
Rob Writes About Whatever 