Do You Even Lift, Bro?

Surprise! After an extensive two month gustatory bender during which I consumed more sugar, alcohol, and rendered grease than I had for the entire sum of 2018 up to that point, I gained like, 10 pounds or so. That sounds about right, and is perhaps better than I deserve. Plus, now I live in the South, where all the food wants you to die, even more so than in the rest of America.

Therefore, it has become imperative that I exercise.

Fortunately, there’s a gym a couple of blocks away from my house that just opened up. I managed to acquire a day pass to said gym, and just came back from my first visit. After some working out, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to die.

Granted, I made a few tactical errors prior to my first visit to a gym in like, a decade. I didn’t bring a water bottle, for one. I didn’t stretch beforehand, either. I also spent a good portion of last night eating fancy cheese – my wife and I went the sophisticated route for NYE dinner, and had a bunch of cheese for dessert. The best thing about that plan was there was so much cheese and it was so tasty that there was plenty left over. The worst thing about that plan was there was so much cheese and it was so tasty and there was plenty left over, meaning there wasn’t much to do yesterday except sit on the couch, eat cheese, and contemplate the coming crises.

All of this meant that the half hour or so I spent on the elliptical was, uh, not fun. There was lots of cramping and dry mouth and more cramping. You know what the worst part is? The machine had a readout that tells you how many calories you burned, and after a full thirty minutes, of which I spent approximately 18 thinking I could only make it 30 more seconds, I only burned about 340 calories. 340! In my estimation, that’s only one half of one of the fourteen or so wads of Camembert I’ve shoved in my face the past couple of days. It’s nothing. If I am to shed those 10 pounds, it’s gonna take forever.

And this is how I enter 2019. The party is over. Time to hit the gym, time to look for a job in earnest, and time to get serious about whatever it is I’m doing. Happy New Year, everybody! Here’s hoping it gets easier.