As you know, the internet is a detritus-choked toilet filled to the rim with atrocious, unusable cover letter templates. Unless the desired qualifications of the position you’re applying for include “Unable to Pass the Turing Test”, all of these templates are utterly fucking useless. Here is the only cover letter template you will ever need again, for any reason.
To Whom it May Concern,
Enclosed are my materials for consideration for the [Insert Whatever-the-Fuck position] position. I want this job because I need a fucking job, you arrogant asshole. Listen, once I’m terminally stuck in this dend-end hellhole you’re going to be underpaying the fuck out of me relative to the value I generate, and I’m going to go along with it too, because this country is an end-state nightmare dystopia from which there is no escape. So don’t ask me to pretend to be excited before you’ve even offered me the goddamn job. Get off your high horse. Anywho, I am an ideal candidate for this position because:
I excel at repressing my bitterness in a professional setting. Over the course of my career, I have accrued extensive experience in being berated by the entitled crybaby pieces of shit my employers saw fit to call clients. I am familiar with all forms of being talked down to by people who consider basic human decency optional, and I am highly adept at shoving down my anger until it becomes one with the endless foment of rage that has come to reside within me as a consequence. I also excel at getting my ass chewed out by my superiors without displaying resentment, or any other discernible emotions. As your employee, I promise I will do what is best for the company and deal with all work-induced PTSD by drinking too much. This way, I will succumb to one of the many ailments endemic to alcohol abuse at an early age, and you will be able to eliminate my position entirely upon my passing, thus saving the company money. Everybody wins!
I will sacrifice my mental health for the benefit of your organization. When working in an underpaid and constantly devalued position, a sensible person has the ability to stop giving a rat’s ass about his or her performance. Fortunately for you, I am not sensible, and I promise that in this position, I will make spastic, anxiety-driven over-performance part of my daily routine, regardless of any adverse effects on my well-being. It is crucial to me that I freak out about all aspects of my work at all times, whether or not those aspects are have any broader meaning or consequence. If I am not too busy, I also promise to ask around the office to see if anyone needs any help with anything, and in so doing further devalue not only my position, but also the positions of everyone else I ‘help out’, thus saving the company money. Everybody wins!
I give great handjobs. Look, I know what you really want. You just want to feel a little bit better about yourself for a few minutes each day, while you and your company pillage both society and the environment in the hopes of having a slightly larger pile of money to lie on during your frequent bouts of being a miserable fuckwad. As a chronic masturbater, I have a wealth of experience in working the shaft (and the balls, if desired). I also offer adequate clitoral manipulation services, should I have any female superiors. In so doing, I secure time for myself away from my desk while ensuring that management’s pipes are clear, ensuring their ability to devalue their employees in an undisctracted manner, thus saving the company money. Everybody wins!
In conclusion, I am the ideal candidate for this job in virtue of my demonstrated ability to eat shit and call it duck confit. I look forward to the opportunity to discuss my qualifications further in an interview, where I can bullshit about my qualifications with some Daddy’s Money jackoff face-to-face.
Eat Shit. Seriously, do it