Indoor Fitness Regimens for the Unmotivated

Hello and welcome to the Self-Quarantine Self-Help Series! This week, I’ll be discussing how you can better yourself during this period of physical distancing, in order to ensure that once it is time for us to emerge from our COVID-free cocoons, we are all cooler, hotter, and smarter! Today’s topic is how to stay in shape when you’re staying inside.

A lot of you are new to the staying at home business. Time was, you got up and went somewhere that isn’t the comfort and privacy of your home in order to accomplish the tasks that your capital-owning overlords have set forth. However, in a bizarre twist, many of these overlords have now decided that it is sub-optimal for their workers to get sick and die; the entire history of labor relations strongly suggests that everyone with their name (literally or figuratively) on the building values worker productivity above all else, with petty concerns like worker health and safety ranking a distant second, at best.

The practical upshot of all this is now many of you are working from home for an extended period for pretty much the first time ever, and many of you might not know how to comport yourselves in such a situation. Most offices have something resembling a dress code, and they don’t have spaces for you to fuck off and play video games for a few hours, and are typically located far enough away from your house that it is in your best interest to get out of bed by a certain time. You home has no dress code; heck, you don’t even need pants. Video games are always nearby. And you don’t have to go anywhere, so you can sleep in as much as you want.

All of this new to many of you, but I’ve been doing this for almost a year and a half now. I’m here to tell you that, while it may seem like a great idea to eschew all of the banal nonsense that formed the basis of your daily routine, it’s not. Eschewing pants and sleeping too much will leave you constantly tired and depressed. And pantsless. You’ve still gotta take care of yourself, even if no one else is going to notice.

And there’s no better way to take care of yourself than by adopting a code of personal fitness. I don’t mean to alarm you through the use of this term; personal fitness has long been the domain of those who could charitably described as every cool person’s least favorite type of person. But it doesn’t have to be like that! You, too, can do what it takes to get yourself all swole and shit, and I’ve got even better news – you don’t even have to do that! Since everyone these days is fat, drunk, and sad, all you have to do to achieve relative buffness is slightly more than the bare minimum of self care.

So today, I’m going to give you my tips and tricks for gettin’ jacked(ish) when no else is.

The next time you’re confronted with a work task you don’t wanna get to right away, take a break and do like, I dunno, 10 squats or something. Or like, four push-ups. Four push-ups is a lot! Have you done any push-ups lately? They exist solely to remind you of the horrific state of your frail and useless Crisco arms. Something on the order of five to seven sit-ups is also acceptable; sit-ups are slightly more fun, so you may as well tack on an extra rep or two. This may seem pretty slight as a workout routine, but seriously, 10 squats is 10 more squats than you would have done otherwise, right?

Limit yourself to one row of Oreos per day. Just because you’re nodding in the direction of healthy choices doesn’t mean you have to put on airs and pretend you’re above cookies all of a sudden. But, if you must indulge your sweet tooth (and if you’re like me, you must), make sure that you keep your gorging sessions within the bounds of respectability. One row or sleeve of store-bought cookies a day is enough to dull the drudgery, if only for a moment, and by exercising the restraint necessary to stop yourself from housing the entire box, you’re staying ahead of the curve.

Similarly, limit yourself to no more than 8 beers a day. Beer is one of the things that makes life worth living, but let’s face it, beer consumption is the leading cause of beer bellies and beer shits. Developing the former is the opposite of gettin’ jacked(ish), while the latter will put an undue strain on your non-existent toilet paper reserves. But again, none of us are gonna make it to the other side of this without getting a little blotto here and there.

Beans. They’re good for you, I guess? Where was I going with this

Fuck it. Oh hey check it out, I have this whole thing of clarified butter and nothing to put it on. Grab a spoon.

2 thoughts on “Indoor Fitness Regimens for the Unmotivated

  1. You gotta use the for your sauces, though; it helps the sauce emulsify and such. Although now I’m intrigued by the idea of keeping pasta water around to house it like gatorade or something


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