In Appreciation of Asparagus Piss

Even in times when you’re allowed to leave the house and go do things, life is pretty goddamn dull. You wake up, you take a dump, you shower, you go to work. Maybe at some point during the day something comes along to provide a jolt of excitement; a pleasant walk in the sunshine, a cold beer at the end of the work day, a pretty decent sandwich. Hell, if you’re really lucky, perhaps you got laid. But even on those auspicious days, however, these jolts are but a temporary phenomenon, the sort of things that are long forgotten when you come to your deathbed and take the time to reflect on all the things you’ve done and all the places you’ve seen and memories you treasure, and so on.

Most days are resigned to drudgery, and even the ones that aren’t are filled with trips to the bathroom to take a piss. Unlike a number two, which, when done properly, is a not-half-bad opportunity to take a few deep breaths and relax, taking a piss is a quick, perfunctory task, so much so that the mere act of taking a piss seems to serve as a reminder of all the other stuff you’re supposed to be doing. If you’re pissing while standing up, this nagging stress is further compounded by the fact that pissing is an active task, especially when you’re pissing into an actual toilet. You have to aim your piss such that splatter on the rim is minimal, and your inevitable failure to minimize this splash damage is an expression of biological life’s disgusting futility.

So when springtime rolls around and the asparagus starts to look halfway acceptable, it’s always a revelation to be standing above the toilet and fill the air with the aroma of indescribably funky gunge. What is this most bizarre air that wafts all through the lavatory and disperses its singular stink? It is the smell of disruption; it is the smell of the rest of the year’s drab and dispiriting tinkles justifying themselves a thousand-fold, that the endless monotony of life and it’s bathroom habits may fall into utter disarray, and leave you and your senses confounded and therefore shaken out of the complacent stupor of modern existence. In conclusion, asparagus piss is fantastic. Thank you for your time and consideration.