Gross Football Lunch – Week 3, 2026 NFL Season

Recipe of the Week: Pimento Cheese, 1st Attempt

Method & Analysis:

So here’s a thought: if I think I’m running out of dishes that I have prepared successfully enough times that I’m confident in sharing my recipe in this space, what if I try my hand at something new and document the process? The results might not be perfect, but if I’m not satisfied with how a recipe turned out, I can try again later and document that process and those results in a future column. I can go on a voyage of culinary discovery and drag my loyal readers along for the ride! Who says no? Wait, you do? You say no? Tough shit! This is what I’m doing.

The process for this first attempt could not be more simple. Shred about 8 ounces of cheddar cheese, along with the entire contents of a small jar of pimentos. If you’re fortunate enough to own a food processor that has a grater attachment, this process is easy as it gets. I was able to shred the entire 8 ounces in a couple of batches. That said, because my food processor has some space between the bottom of the feeding tube and the spot where the grater attachment lies, I ended up with a small but significant amount of what I can only describe as cheese pills. You can either try and break these up or leave them in the finished product. (I’m a sucker for bizarre wads, so I didn’t bother. I love my cheese pills just the way they are.)

Once these cheese is shredded, do likewise with the pimentos. In order to replicate the results of this experiment, it is vital that you forget to bother draining the pimentos of their excess jar liquid(s) until you’re about halfway done with this process. Here is where I should mention that if you don’t have a fancy food processor with an even fancier grater attachment, all you need is a standard issue box grater. Just make sure that you use the side of the grater with the smaller, more densely packed holes, lest your pimento cheese become to chunky.

Once your cheese and pimentos are shredded, place them in a large bowl. Add some salt and freshly ground black pepper, as well as a couple of dashes of the vinegary hot sauce of your choice, then dump in just enough mayo to hold everything together. Finally, know that the lifeblood of a truly transcendent pimento cheese is a healthy amount of apple cider vinegar. With great fat power comes great acid responsibility, and apple cider vinegar is perfect for cutting a giant pile of mayo and cheese. Without enough apple cider vinegar, your pimento cheese has a defined ceiling.

So, in the interest of replicating this experiment, head to wherever you store your apple cider vinegar and grab the bottle only to discover there’s maybe a splash and half left in it and you didn’t get any more at the store yesterday because you forgot to check how much you actually had, figuring that you probably had like a bottle and half of the stuff because last time the supply was a concern you bought a bottle and brought it home only to discover there was a good half to two-thirds of your existing bottle still in the pantry. Once the panic subsides and you realize you’ve already shredded cheese and pimentos and hot sauce and mayo into a bowl and there’s no going back, dump the pathetic remainder of apple cider vinegar into the bowl, then start stirring.

Pimento cheese isn’t supposed to be homogenous, exactly; the cheese and pimento bits contained therein should be noticeable and distinct. However, you need to stir it enough that the mayo blends in completely and takes on an orange color; be gentle in your stirring, lest the texture of the cheese end up irredeemably fucked. And again, use only the amount of mayo you must to get everything to hold together. If necessary, start with a small amount and add more if and only if you feel you must.

Once everything is stirred together, give it a taste. If you have replicated this first attempt accurately, you will find it tastes okay, but it’s a little wet and a little flabby. There’s a bit too much mayo, a bit too much stray pimento jar liquid, and not enough vinegar. At this point, allow your acid panic to fire back up so that you decide to splash in some pickle juice, which won’t help with the slightly too wet problem one bit but will help with the not enough acid problem, maybe.

Stick the finished pimento cheese in the fridge and let it set for…okay, here I must admit I have no idea how long in needs to set. A couple of hours, maybe? Once this time has passed, dig in. Notice that this product is, in fact, about on par with the store-bought stuff. It’s edible, even tasty, but you can do better. Resolve to try again in a few weeks, then get all sad about how your pimento cheese didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to as you house the entire oversized batch in like, four days.

For real, I will come back to this recipe. It needs less liquid and more acid, which is a tricky needle to thread but I am game for this task. With better detail management and the knowledge that simple does not always mean easy, I can do better.

And with that, it’s time to fuck up some football picks.

Week 3 NFL Confidence Pool

I don’t know about you, but I for one am happy the Patrick Mahomes appears to be back. Mahomes is only in his early 30s – when most great quarterbacks are very much in their prime – but Mahomes is coming off of a traumatic leg injury and his receivers suck. I was figuring we were in for another year of the dude being the least watchable ‘clutch’ passer in the league, and that just bummed me out to no end. Do y’all remember 2018 and 2019? Do you remember watching Mahomes in those years? I do what I can to study NFL history and, before 2018, I was always a bit bummed out that I didn’t get to experience Dan Marino’s 1984 season. It always seemed like a real trip. Suffice to say, I’m glad I got my chance to take that trip, too, and I’m glad to see the dude putting up numbers again. Also, the agenda stays winning: I told you Eric Bieniemy was going to whip that offense back into shape. Also also, if the Mahomes is back the Chiefs are back, and if the Chiefs are back then I can rest easy knowing I almost certainly won’t have to cook and eat a sock.

In an effort to be a better football prognosticator, and as a result of being bougie enough to swing a Sunday Ticket subscription, I have taken to finding a condensed replay or two of a game I missed the past Sunday. This week, I decided to give the Chargers/Raiders tilt a look-see, because the Raiders’ 2-0 start baffles me and I wanted to know just how bad the Chargers were, really, because any proclamations of doom in Week 2 for a team with any preseason expectations have a way of proving unfounded in November and December.

But I’m here to tell you that, folks, the Chargers stink. You got dudes in motion colliding with Herbert during the handoff, procedural penalties, and horrendous ball security. You got Joe Alt – who was supposed to be a reliable, foundational piece of the offense, mind you – committing consecutive false starts and holding in the end zone for a safety. In theory this sloppiness can be mostly fixed, but if Mike McDaniel were as advertised none of this shit would’ve been a problem in the first place. Tell me, do you think the motherfucking Buffalo Bills are a good opponent to be facing for a team that needed to Get Right two weeks ago? This isn’t rhetorical, I don’t actually follow football all that much so I don’t know who’s good. Do they still have Thurman Thomas?

Speaking of takes you’ve already heard from credentialed professionals who know what they’re talking about, I hereby declare that the Rams are going to be fine. Stafford looks great (save for one mostly forgivable downfield YOLO ball into double coverage), the offensive line held off an intimidating pass rush, and the defense took care of business against an offense that could only function through ball control even in the rare when their starting quarterback is healthy. The Broncos will also be fine, maybe, but if I am to believe them capable of beating any opponent by multiple scores I’m going to need to see them do it. The Rams are the better team is my point, and you are free to let your assignment reflect that.

And, speaking also of baffling 2-0 starts, my beloved Minnesota Vikings have gone undefeated on the season to date despite not rostering a quarterback who can throw the football such that it ends up where it’s supposed to go. I’m told that a serious contender is supposed to have one of those in today’s game, so I’m having trouble getting too excited. The good news is that Brian Flores has somehow reached even greater heights of psychopathic genius, and he will blitz your shitty offensive line 4 out of every 5 dropbacks until it snaps in half and turns into goo. That’s a pretty nifty thing to have going for your team when the rest of your division is teams with theoretically high powered offenses that have shitty offensive lines! Hell, if the Packers are so committed to have a shitty offensive line that they can’t be trusted with more than 7 points against the worst team in the NFC (if not the entire league), the Vikings might be good for a wild card. And hell, if Kyler Murray can remember how to play quarterback instead of working on his 9 impression, they might be good for a division title! Surely nothing bad can happen to a team of the Vikings’ caliber in a home playoff game, right?

While I am grateful to have a surfeit of teams who suck so bad that I’m willing to go big against them, it does mean the bottom of this week’s pool – historically a dumping ground for the league’s dregs – features more than a few teams who might be presentable, if not good. This does not apply to the Cowboys, whose defense can’t stop a shart and who stand little to know chance of causing problems for Lamar Jackson and his friends. I would give the Ravens more points, but last week was good reminder that the Ravens remain a constant threat to shit the bed, and while I can’t isolate a root cause of this issue I can guarantee playing in Brazil can’t possibly help curb this tendency.

If the Saints disrespect implied in the previous paragraph offends you, know that in picking the Saints at all this week, I am very tentatively dipping my toes in the ice cold waters of taking them seriously. And if it offends you that I would try to pass off giving the Saints 3 points against the Raiders as anything other than the damning with faint praise it obviously is, know that I consider you an ingrate. 1-1 is a pretty nifty record to have after taking both first halves off entirely. Recall from a few paragraphs ago that I have seen these Raiders, and while they certainly aren’t good, they exemplify the steady competence that Kirk Cousins and the entire Kubiak family embody. Really, I’m giving the Saints the benefit of the doubt, if you think about it.

As for the Bears/Eagles game, the point assignment and even the pick itself might be wildly different were I able to confirm Caleb Williams’ status at press time. Alas, I cannot, and I assume you cannot either. As for the Eagles, you have a better chance of convincing me you have inside information on Caleb Williams’ injury status than you do of convincing me you know for certain whether the Eagles are good or bad. Exercise extreme caution!

Enjoy the games, everyone!